Words really do hurt

There’s not a lot to say alongside this poem, only to be kind always. Words really do hurt.

Words really do hurt

“Sticks and stones might break my bones 

But words will never hurt me”

This lesson we were taught as kids 

Just came back to haunt me.

.

Because- words do hurt. 

They can really hurt a lot. 

They stay in your mind 

And destroy what you’ve got.

.

I’d rather feel pain differently 

I’d rather be hit with sticks and stones, 

I’d rather feel the physical pain, 

I could handle a broken bone.

.

But words… they cast a shadow, 

Over all you ever knew. 

They can stop you believing

They make you think it’s true.

.

I hurt for days and weeks and months, 

I repeat those vicious words, 

The only person suffering now 

Is me, and I’m still hurt.

.

So please choose your words wisely, 

Be kind, spread love and care, 

Because words really can hurt a lot, 

So please now be aware.

.

19th April 2022

Fromtheheart

Nature and our world …

We only have one world. It’s existed for so long, and as humans we are destroying it and there’s things we can all do to help.

Don’t tell yourself that ‘you are one person and therefore can’t change anything’. If we all stopped thinking like that and did something to help…that’s when change will really happen.

Outdoors

When you take that step outdoors 

And feel the fresh air in your lungs. 

You can appreciate what you’ve got 

Nature’s abundance has begun.

.

When you step out into the open, 

The existing world becomes yours.

The plants, the trees, the fresh air too.

You have been here before.

.

Take a moment to watch, 

Take your time to breathe, 

Take your time to notice, 

Just what our worlds achieved.

.

The circle of life, 

You can see it all, 

Noticing the tiny things, 

Before each of the falls.

.

Watch and share these moments, 

Admire and appreciate it all. 

Right now the world is here, 

And you can stop any fall.

.

Take your place and stand up for nature, 

For our world needs us right now. 

Help all endangered beings,

Question each where, why and how.

.

Be present and be counted, 

Share the importance of each line. 

We CAN help right now, 

But we are running out of time.

.

Fromtheheart 

26th January 2022

Photographs

Most of us are aware of the importance of photographs, but due to technology now, people are taking photos on phones and other devices and going through the heart break of losing them when the device breaks or is damaged.

Most of us have lost something important due to technology failure. It’s almost part of the world now. However, our photographs, you know, the really special ones…. Print them out. Share them, frame them, stick them in an album, but print them out.

These are proof of our life right now, photographs, if looked after, are around for a lot longer than a human is. These are our history, documentation of what we did for fun, how we celebrated things and so much more.

I hope this post, will help. If even just one person prints their photos and stores them well, because of this post, then I’ll be super happy.

Enjoy your moments, your reminiscing, your reminders in your photos. They are much more valuable than we care to believe.

Photograph

That photograph of you and I,

That piece of our history- kept. 

Frozen in time, for all to see, 

And the reason we all wept.

.

Yet the memories are so happy, 

The times we spent together. 

Now frozen forever- a memory, 

That no one could try to sever.

.

A photograph of you and I, 

Shows clearly the love we share, 

And whether tomorrow or 50 years time,

Those memories will still be there.

.

So this is your moment, dear reader, 

An alert for you to remember, 

Photographs are so precious, 

And its time you took some together.

.

Capture your days with family, 

And with friends at special places, 

For when we are gone, it’s those photographs 

That’ll fill those heartbroken spaces.

.

The photographs I have, I treasure, 

And spend time looking back through, 

One day our memories won’t be the same 

But the photographs will always stay true.

.

Fromtheheart 

28th January 2022

It sometimes feels so…Unfair

This poem kind of talks for itself. We all get times where things feel unfair or unjust. Sometimes there’s things we can do about it other times there may be nothing. Either way, your feelings are valid and it’s good to talk or write about them.

In all honesty, I hope none of you have felt this way, but if you have I hope this might help you process some of it.

Unfair

I constantly feel this feeling, 

I can’t shake it free. 

It’s the feeling that this is so unfair. 

When this life was given to me.

.

In my mind I have so much I want to do, 

But my body can’t move, like I hope, 

The fatigue I get, ruins everything, 

And I’m left struggling to cope.

.

I had dreams of jobs and bucket lists, 

I had hopes of careers and fun, 

But I’m left with this body that lets me down, 

I can barely even sit in the sun.

.

I deal with aches and pains, day and night. 

I deal with insomnia and fatigue, 

It’s a constant battle inside my mind, 

And a battle with my body, I believe.

.

I know I should be grateful for all I have, 

And for what I have, I am. 

I feel like I could have been a use to the world, 

And it’s sad that I can’t fulfil that plan.

.

But, yes, I am grateful for what I have. 

For my family, my life, my home.

Chronic illness can change a whole life 

And it can make you feel very alone.

.

If there’s an afterlife, I can’t wait to be healed 

If there’s a freedom I can look forward to, 

I’ll be waiting, right here, for that day, 

Don’t be sad for me one bit, I’ll be pain free soon.

.

I’ll enjoy what I have of this life, 

I’ll do what my body will allow. 

And when I am free, I’ll plan again, 

This life can be a memory, now.

.

21st January 2022 

Fromtheheart

Meltdowns

If you have a mental illness or have suffered with your mental health at any point in your life there’s a very high chance you’ve experienced at least one ‘meltdown’. Those times when you’ve spent days and weeks adding to the problem/ issue pile in your mind and then… it collapses. Sometimes without warning, sometimes you realise, but either way it’s devastating.

Personally, I hate that whoever I’m with at the time has to experience it with me. Even though they don’t feel what’s in my mind, I’m sure it’s just as frightening, if not more frightening for them than us. To watch someone you love have a meltdown, must be heartbreaking.

This poem is how I’ve felt leading up to a meltdown, I had about 24 hours notice this time, but it didn’t stop it being any less painful, stressful, embarrassing and just generally horrible.

Meltdown

I was leading up towards it, 

I knew that it was coming. 

In my head I could control it

I had to try and do something.

.

I tried techniques I’ve learnt before

And those I learned in my youth. 

Breathing deeply, focusing elsewhere,

But nothing could stop the truth.

.

I had a meltdown coming, 

A breakdown, if you will.

Whatever each of you call it. 

It doesn’t keep it still.

.

I try and try to stop them, 

But it just gets too much,

And then the pot boils over, 

And I can’t even stand a touch.

.

I cry and cry like I’ve never cried, 

I stress and worry a lot, 

Anxiety bubbles away underneath,

I wish this wasn’t the life, I got.

.

In these moments I tend to hate more,

I just hate each and every part of me.

I try to think of something I like, 

But the hatred grows like a tree.

.

Living with anxiety, depression and stress, 

Is like living with at least 2 people inside. 

One wants to get up and try new things, 

The other doesn’t even want to decide.

.

The meltdowns are the worst 

They’re what hold me back. 

I dream of a day I’m free of it, 

But I know it’ll never leave my back.

.

So, walk with all this, I must do,

Walk through life and make the best of it. 

Each and every day that I wake up,

Is a new day to fight the rest of it!

.

21st January 2022

Fromtheheart

Acceptance

This is a big topic and I’ll tell you now I won’t be able to cover every aspect of acceptance within this blog entry. I will, however, explain what it means to me, and more importantly the fact that if it means something different to you that’s ok. We are all human but we do not all think the same, act the same, deal with illnesses or excitement the same. Our individuality is what makes us so amazing. To accept others no matter what makes them individual is something we all need to do more of and all need to work on.

Being accepted by loved ones is something we all strive for. Whether it’s right or wrong to want this, it does make us feel part of the family or friend group in question. When we don’t feel accepted, the feelings we can get can be overwhelming, because to not feel accepted means there is a part of you that people cannot get on board with. This throws up all manner of emotions, should you try and change it to please them? Should you pretend that part of you doesn’t exist when you’re with that person or group of people? Or should you stand proud of who you are and how far you’ve come and ask that if people can’t accept you then they are not welcome in your life?

In this poem today (at the bottom of this blog) I’ve written about acceptance, but this isn’t about my skin colour, my sexuality or even my ideas, this is about me accepting part of me.

One part I’ve never wanted to accept is the fact I have both physical and mental health conditions. This poem is specifically about the physical ones though. It’s about how I’ve never wanted to accept it. People around me have accepted it and those that have stayed around me are caring and kind and want to help when I’m struggling. But, when you won’t accept the condition yourself it makes accepting help for this condition even harder. It makes it impossible to move and grow, and it can lead to you pushing away friends and family because of it.

I’ve struggled for years with this, and I don’t think acceptance is any closer. I don’t want to be unwell, I want to be fit and healthy and be able to complete the same tasks as other people that I see. I have standards in my head that I don’t match up to. My mind still tells me I can do these things but when I try I can’t do them anymore. It’s a battle I’m used to, but it’s not an easy one.

I hope this poem helps anyone in the same position as me, or anyone who has a family member or friend like me, I hope this will help you to understand them more.

Acceptance

Acceptance is something I don’t want to have, 

It’s a feeling I don’t want to own. 

Acceptance to me means I’m defeated 

And my mind will stay stuck at home.

.

I’d stop looking for ways to help myself.

Defeated- I’d feel like, I’d lost.

The battle for you, may just be beginning

But acceptance comes at a cost.

.

It’s allowing yourself to be vulnerable,

To accept that, this is now your normality,

But acceptance to me, is much more than that.

It’s giving up the chance to change reality.

.

Of course, I know that, I have no cure,

I’m aware, that this illness is there,

But acceptance to me, means I’m losing,

And accepting whatever they declare.

.

I’ve been fighting this battle, most of my life,

Been in denial, for as long as I’ve known,

Because acceptance to me, means I give up, 

So denial means, I carry the fight alone.

.

And, you know, I’m ok with that.

Each of us, has different ways to live,

So acceptance to you, may mean the opposite,

And that’s ok too, it’s your life to live.

.

So, to all of you, carrying a condition,

Or an illness, that restricts your lives,

Be you, be individual, be honest with yourself, 

Be hopeful and always reach for the skies.

.

One day there may be a cure,

One day there may be more hope.

But, until that day comes around,

Keep searching for new ways to cope.

.

8th January 2021

Fromtheheart

Merry Christmas to you all

I’m hoping you all have a really special Christmas, whatever you plan on doing. Whether you’re spending it with family or friends, or strangers, and especially if you’re spending it alone.

For those stuck isolating due to Covid-19, I wish you health and love and joy. Even though you may not be able to be with your family and friends this year, I hope it’s as special as you can make it and that you see everyone again real soon.

To all those who follow me, thank you. Thank you for reading my posts and poems and for any comments and likes you may have left me over the year. I’m truly grateful to you all.

Merry Christmas and here’s hoping 2022 is a brilliant year for you all.

Merry Christmas

I wanted to send you a little wish, 

To show you, that you are loved. 

At Christmas time and the days before

By your loved ones here and above.

.

At Christmas time we miss and think, 

Of family and friends we’ve lost. 

The year seems long, without each one 

And the price we pay, does cost.

.

Our missing loved ones are remembered

And seats saved at Christmas time. 

But here’s just a little reminder 

To focus too, on the ones left behind.

.

It the ones that are here, that need us, 

Memories, still waiting to be made. 

So remember our lost ones, of course, 

Those memories, they’re forever saved.

.

Now it’s time to concentrate 

On all the ones still here. 

Make time for them and love them, 

Make new memories this year.

.

Each day is sent to try us, 

But it’s also sent with lessons.

Try hard to grow and learn, 

And you’ll be sent more blessings.

.

Merry Christmas to you and your family, 

And to the friends you love, like your own. 

I wish you all, the best day and year ahead, 

I hope you never feel sad and alone.

.

Merry Christmas to your neighbours, 

And to all the children that you meet, 

It’s time to sparkle with love and joy, 

Merry Christmas to each one you greet.

.

25th December 2021

Fromtheheart ©

Don’t let discrimination rule…

Today I was challenged. Challenged mentally, I mean. I came face to face with discrimination in one of the toughest forms. Words.

In this day and age, we like to think that things like racism, sexism, discrimination because of your mental or physical condition(s) and the like would be long gone. It’s not.

We all know we still have a long way to go, but when you come face to face with someone who believes that people who are born with a skin colour different to their own, shouldn’t be living in a certain area, or people with severe mental health conditions shouldn’t be able to participate in group activities etc, it makes you realise we are still so far from being non judgemental, all accepting people.

I won’t go into the details. Words like those should never be repeated. And, in case you were wondering, I am white, and was talking to a very judgemental white person. In response to the comments made, I put a case across that actually whether you have black, white or blue skin, it doesn’t define you, it doesn’t tell people what you are like as a person and it certainly doesn’t mean you deserve to live away from certain people.

I guess, I just wanted to come on here, and express my feelings towards this in writing on my blog (and in a poem at the bottom of this page), in the hope that should you ever come even just within earshot of a similar conversation, you will stand up for those not present to stand up for themselves.

Skin colour, sexuality, mental or physical disabilities does not make us unworthy.

Whatever your position in life, please, please, let’s help stop this discrimination, breaking it down piece by piece.

Stop giving people excuses for their discriminatory thoughts too. It doesn’t matter what era you were born in, or whether you grew up in a racist household, when you become an adult you become responsible for your own thoughts, feelings and actions. Other things in the world have changed over the years and people have accepted them, this is another thing we are trying to change.

It’s time to make a stand. Please stand with me too and vow to do all you can to help stop this.

Thank you for reading ♥️

.

Discrimination

A belief that you hold dear to you,

Could be a secret or well known.

But if it’s a belief in hatred 

Then leave your hate at home.

.

Your beliefs are worthy and important,  

Just like the person you are. 

But trust me when I say this, 

Your beliefs can cause damage from afar.

.

Your words can hurt, 

Your judgements too. 

Whatever your belief 

It may not even be true.

.

No one’s the same, 

It doesn’t help to group society.

The only way to carry on 

Is embrace diversity.

.

We are all, so different,

Our personalities…just ours.

But if your words may hurt another, 

They won’t give you powers.

.

Whatever you choose to do in life, 

Wherever you choose to go. 

Live by the rules of being kind 

And watch the love and peace grow.

.

Smile often and listen more. 

Don’t judge anyone at all. 

None of us are perfect. 

Don’t let discrimination rule.

.

Let’s make a stand together,

No more hatred allowed.

The world is desperate for love right now.

So be kind, be free and be proud.

14th December 2021 

Fromtheheart ©

; Suicide awareness ;

If you know someone who has taken their life, or you have tried yourself, I hope this poem may be useful to your loved ones, to help them understand how important just being kind is.

I told a very personal story within this poem. Of the people I’ve lost to suicide and the people I’ve nearly lost (including myself). If I can stop one person trying to take their life then this post will have been worth it.

Coming up to Christmas is a tough time for many, many people, and even though so many people struggle at this time of year, people just don’t talk about it enough, for fear of ‘ruining their Christmas’ or this time of year being ‘about the kids’. Trust me on this one thing – if you are feeling suicidal your trusted and close friends and family would rather sit with you and listen to you rather than sit with you whilst your laying in a coffin. Talk. Talk. Talk.

I truly do wish everyone the happiest, healthiest Christmas possible. Remember your loved ones for the memories they gave you, include their presence in festivities, don’t bottle up things. If you really don’t feel you can talk to anyone close to you, please try the Samaritans or 24 hr mental health services. There is always someone willing to listen.

Suicide Awareness

As a youngster I had a really tough time, 

And through, the worst of it all 

I started to physically hurt myself 

And then decided, I should end it all.

.

I didn’t succeed first and so tried again, 

For years and years that pain stayed.

Then one day my father died the same way

He took his life and I just prayed.

.

I prayed that I’d never feel that again, 

Once I saw the destruction it had left. 

I prayed I’d never make anyone else feel –

The pain that was stabbing at my chest.

.

A while later I lost a friend to the same, 

Depression really does kill. 

Then years went by and my husband tried, 

And a friend was also just as ill.

.

My husband survived but he wasn’t pleased, 

He couldn’t see the pain it left with us.

And now I spend my daily life, 

Wondering if I need to break their trust.

.

They need protecting, but I can’t do it all, 

If they ever succeed, I would deserve court?

I’ll believe it was me, and the fault is mine, 

I failed at being there for support.

.

I worry each day that I’m doing enough, 

Do I ask? Stay quiet? or not? 

I wish I could save all the suicidal people

But I’m struggling to save those I’ve got.

.

Kindness can overrule almost everything, 

You’ll never quite understand, 

How just a kind word, can change someone’s day, 

And therefore, change their plans.

.

So please be kind, be there for your friends 

Be there for your family too. 

But never forget to be there for yourself, 

Sticking together makes it easier to pull through.

6th December 2021 

Fromtheheart ©

My body, mind and me…

Somedays it feels like I’m more than just me. The me in my mind has plans, wants to move, wants to succeed and more. My body tries to keep up, but in reality physical disability takes over and I feel let down in my mind. Then my mind can take over and be sad that my body doesn’t work and overthinks all the reasons I’m useless etc.

Until the next time we go through this!!

Sometimes it happens regularly, sometimes it can be weeks in between. A few people have suggested that it’s me not coming to terms with my disabilities and how they affect me. I have tried. But in all truth I can’t see how I can ever accept my body like this, I feel like it’s stopped me from achieving so much in life.

Anyway, today I wrote a poem about it.

My body, mind and me

My body and I 

have a strained relationship, 

Most days I hate it 

There’s not even friendship.

.

My body and I 

share literally no love, 

It lets me down daily 

I still beg not to give up.

.

My body and I 

… I wish it were different 

But it’s never been able 

To even show me resistance.

.

My mind and I, however,

Is what keeps us going 

And if I’m really honest 

I see no way of growing.

.

My body and mind 

Are two completely different beings 

Two very different souls 

Trapped without you seeing.

.

I really don’t know how,

How to set me free, 

Do I accept it or reject it?

Or was this is meant to be.

.

Some days I’d kill it off,

It’s let me down before

But it’s also got me up again

Even when I just felt floored.

.

We don’t get to choose our bodies,

We don’t get to mould our minds, 

But as we grow and want to change, 

It can feel like we’re left behind.

.

My body, mind and I 

Well…It can feel very strained,

Like relationships past and present 

There must be sunshine with this rain?!

.

Yes I am one person,

But I sometimes feel like more.

It doesn’t make me less of human.

I just have more to explore.

.

So if you ever, meet someone like me, 

Don’t assume you see it all. 

Their body tells you one thing, 

But their mind can show you more.

.

4th December 2021

Fromtheheart

…And that’s on having both physical and mental disabilities 😢

Just a little poem …

I just wanted to add a little poem here for anyone that may be able to relate to this. Hope it helps.

You are all worthy. You are all strong. You are all loved.

Challenge

When faced with a challenge

That seems impossible to beat. 

That’s when you find your inner strength,  

And the challenge- you can defeat.

.

When faced with a moment 

That you wish could be forever, 

Remember that your memories 

Will last a lifetime of weathers.

.

When faced with another person, 

Challenging you like never before, 

Search inside you, for your kindness

And fight with nothing more.

.

When faced with a loss 

That no one ever deserves 

Just know you have your memories,

And they’ll forever be preserved.

.

When faced with any challenge, 

Know that you have the strength in you, 

Take your time, take your faith, 

Take all you need to get through.

.

Whether you have friends and family, 

Whether you feel alone. 

Know that no matter what you have 

Your heart will forever be home.

.

23/11/2021

Fromtheheart ©

It’s been a while… I’m sorry

I have an apology for anyone that enjoys my blog. I’m sorry that I haven’t been updating regularly. Health problems and a few family issues have been plaguing me and my family for a while now and it’s taking its time to get back on our feet again.

During this time I haven’t been writing poetry, however, today I have started again. Hopefully I will be able to share a little more regularly now.

.

Jumbled up

I haven’t written for quite a while, 

The words are frozen inside. 

And while I take time to unjumble them

I will honour the silence I hide.

.

Some days when the words are muddled, 

It feels like you’ll never be free, 

But freedom comes in many forms

And this… it’s your reality.

.

Not knowing what to say and when, 

It’s ok. It’s time to take a break.

Allow your mind some healing time. 

Don’t cover it up and be fake.

.

While my mind is sorting this out, 

I want you to know I still care, 

I want you to remember you’re special, 

And loved beyond compare.

.

A love you may not always feel, 

A love you may not have learned, 

But try each day to love yourself, 

And the power you’ll feel can’t be burned.

.

Love yourself, find things to adore, 

People are attracted to those who show love, 

Love your world, and love theirs too, 

Then love will shower on you from above.

.

Your words will be spoken, 

And kindness will shine, 

Love this world we have 

And know that you’ll be fine.

.

23/11/2021

Stronger?

I’ve been thinking recently how people respond when you tell them, or they find out that you’ve experienced trauma in your childhood or at some point in your life.

If this person is you, I’m almost certain you would have come across people that tell you it’s ‘made your stronger’.

Whilst thinking about this exact phrase, I’ve realised that although most people that say these words are saying it from a place of love and care and qualities they’ve seen in you. I kind of feel that it’s also a way to help them feel better. If they say that what you’ve experienced has made you stronger, they then think that they’ve helped you with your healing, or even given you some kind of reason for what you’ve been through.

From my perspective, the truth is that strength comes in many forms and I would much rather have gotten strength from how I grow and learn rather than a traumatic experience or time. I also think that the strength you do/ can gain from trauma is masked as strength when really it’s us making out we are strong and fearless to mask the pain, anxiety, worry, insecurities, fear and so much more that we actually feel about the situation we are in daily.

Yes strength is gained, but it’s not the kind of strength that can be measured like that. It’s pure protection of ourselves physically and emotionally.

You’ve probably heard of ‘fight or flight’, when the body faces a situation we either fight it head on or run.

Well, I don’t do either. I freeze. I can become full of all the memories of past traumas so much that all I can do is stop and become physically paralysed in that position until whatever it is is over or I’ve recovered a little and can move again. This is what most people do if they’ve experienced long term trauma. Is that strength or fear? Maybe it’s both…

.

Stronger?

When you say that trauma –

Makes you strong. 

It can glorify trauma, 

And that feels wrong.

.

I’ve been told many times 

That I’m wise beyond my years, 

But is that because 

I’ve had the pain and fears?

.

I used to think that- 

I’d been made stronger now.

But really it’s just preparation 

For what will hurt and how.

.

When you cope with trauma

Your whole mind and body suffer

And your life, each day and year 

Each relationship, each lover.

.

So don’t see us as just stronger, 

The trauma we’ve faced is unbelievable 

Just be kind, just be gentle with us,

The love we can give is inconceivable.

.

We’ve learned the hard way, 

We’ve watched trust break apart 

But when we are needed 

We’ll still give all of our heart.

17/10/2021

Fromtheheart

I feel your presence…

Most of us have experienced the death of a friend or family member. Most of us know the pain. Most of us also know that the pain is different with every single loss. Grief is never the same.

My father has been gone for 10 years now. There are some moments I’m getting through fine, then all of a sudden I realise that if I had my dad with me, maybe things would be different, maybe things would be easier. But the truth is, I was only ever meant to have him for the time I did, and he needed to feel peace again. He needed to be free of all the pain he held inside.

So far in my life, I have never asked a sick or dying person to stay here, for me. I don’t fight their battles, I can’t. But not asking them to stay is something the grief reminds me I didn’t do, and therefore makes me wish I did ask sometimes. ‘What ifs’ are some of the most difficult emotions to deal with, because they will never be answered, only dreamed of.

Love the people you love with all your heart while they’re here. Tomorrow is not promised for anyone. ❤️💔

.

I feel your presence

I know you’re here 

I feel your peace. 

Just know that forever 

My love won’t cease.

.

I feel your presence 

I call for you 

And somehow, somewhere 

You show me it’s true.

.

I feel your healing

I feel that your there, 

With me, with grandma 

I know how much you care.

.

I feel your sadness 

And also your pain, 

But I know you’re happy now, 

Your freedom regained.

.

Please stay and watch over us, 

Please help me to see 

That you’ll always be with me 

Until the time we meet.

.

Thank you for loving us 

Thank you for staying 

Thank you for watching over us 

And hearing all our praying.

.

I know that you’ve passed, 

It’s been many years now 

But I’ll never stop loving you, 

I just wouldn’t know how.

.

29th September 2021 

Fromtheheart

Never apart…

Losing people has been a part of my life. It’s happened all the way through from my teenage years and carried on to the rest of my life.

I’ve lost people that have been a lot older than me, people that have been the same age as me and all people that I should never even contemplate seeing the death of, children.

Each death has affected me in different ways. Each time I tell myself ‘right, we’ve done this before, we know what to expect and how it works’ but of course each time I’m shocked how I feel, I don’t expect very much at all, and everything I think I need to expect doesn’t happen or happens even greater than before. So, in short, I’m trying to say that even if you’ve never lost anyone before, or you’ve lost a lot of people, with each new death comes new feelings and new approaches are learned. You don’t realise it at the time, but each death shows us who we can really rely on out of our living friends and family, death often brings out some horrible parts of people, parts I never knew even existed until I met with it. Again, i learned.

Now… now I take each death as something brand new. I make sure that I always do everything I can to help them feel better while they know they’re dying or as they age etc. I send letters, photos, make gifts and the like. It helps them, and also helps me. For me personally one of the most crippling stages of grief is guilt, the guilt that you never told them you loved them enough, that you never told them how you feel about them, that you never made them feel special etc, I’ve learned from experiencing that guilt that I can’t have that again, so I do all I can to show everyone that I care about just how I feel about them. Then, should death occur to either of us I will know that I did my best to share my feelings of love to them.

Right now, I have an older member of my family who I absolutely adore. They mean the world to me and more, and even though I’ve spent my life telling them how I feel I still do it now, through words, through actions, through little gifts here and there. It doesn’t take the pain away but it does ease some of how I feel. The other process I use to help myself is writing. So here’s one of today’s poems.

Never apart

It’s been 10 years since your son left. 

Since he chose to leave this place, 

And in those 10 years I’ve got through, 

Because I could still see your face.

.

Those eyes that looked to me with love, 

Those arms that hugged me tight. 

And as I watch you grow older now 

I can’t help but feel this fright.

.

Without you, without him, without them,

I don’t know what I’ll do, 

Without love, without truth, without hope,

I don’t know how I’ll pull through.

.

Almost 10 years to the day, 

10 years ago ripped me apart, 

I couldn’t stand losing him then

If you’re gone too, you’d take my whole heart.

.

I love you more than I could ever explain, 

On the outside and inside too. 

You’re beauty and perfection, 

You’ve taught me to be true.

.

So as your time draws nearer, 

Please know, I’ll never ask you to stay,

Because I know you’ll meet your son again, 

And I’d be selfish to take that away.

.

You deserve a break from all this world 

All the evil and hate you’ve seen 

You deserve the best of everything,

You will always be, my Queen.

.

So, leave when you need to,

But please take my heart,

Because then, I know, we will be 

Never. again. apart.

.

11th September 2021

Broken chains…

I’ve had this blog for around 4 years now, and my family and friends have no idea. I keep it that way for one reason, on this page I like to keep things honest, raw, relatable and if it helps just one person then I am happy with that. To keep it raw and honest, I need to feel secure in the knowledge that those people that intentionally and unintentionally hurt me in any way will not see this, and if they do happen to come across my page they won’t know it’s me. This is the reason I’ve kept my name out of it all.

When you have Borderline Personality Disorder, feelings you feel intensely one day can be completely dissipated by the next day, or they can be stronger and deeper. How I felt a year ago is different to how I feel now. Some feelings are similar some aren’t. Some coping mechanisms are the same, some aren’t, others may return at a later date.

So, being truthful with you about my journey with BPD and other chronic illnesses means I have more chance of not only helping you but helping me too.

We often blame ourselves when things go wrong in our lives, we never stop and wonder if these trauma responses or these feelings have been passed down through generations of family members that never dealt with the trauma they suffered. This can and does happen, and even recent studies have shown this to be a huge cause of mental health and chronic pain illnesses. It’s not always intentional, but it’s there, it’s very present and unless we do something about it we will also see it pass to the next generation, our children, our nieces, nephews and beyond.

I hope you find the poem of today helpful and maybe even educational. ♥️

Broken Chains

Just as my family before me, 

I’m broken in so many ways, 

And just like their past did to them, 

They shared the pain away.

.

They may seem strong,

They may seem fixed, 

But underneath

Is what made me sick.

.

See – mental health isn’t simple, 

It’s not easy to understand.

But trauma from another life, 

Travels through to another land.

.

It’s not intentional,

It really rarely is, 

But the pain they felt, 

Will now be hers and his.

.

Passed through generations, 

Until one of them will crack, 

And open up and fix the pain, 

And never let it back.

.

I took upon my shoulders, 

Pain I never knew was there.

Then mixed with trauma I had too, 

It left me alone with no care.

.

And now the trauma is passing,

But I don’t think I’ve solved it all. 

And looking deep in my children’s eyes,

I still see my loved ones fall.

.

So, I will work, with all I have, 

To beat this pain we all own. 

One day our children will be free,

And home will feel like home.

.

Fromtheheart © 

3rd September 2021

Borderline Personality Disorder and ….. emotions (!!)

This is a quick blog entry, mainly because I think it’s important that we do discuss the differences that we, with BPD have, and maybe even celebrate them a little. 🎉

I think it’s something to do with having Borderline Personality Disorder, but there are times in my life where I’ve struggled to not cry and then there are times like right now, where, I’ve got so much to cry about, I feel like I’m getting awful news on a weekly basis, but I can’t cry. I’ve welled up a little at times but then it’s gone. 

It’s almost like when things are seeming out of my control, which they definitely are at the moment, I just stop. I stop all emotion, I put up a wall inside my mind and somehow just carry on. 

It’s difficult for a lot of people to understand, but I think when you’ve suffered trauma on differing levels right from childhood, the way you cope is often slightly (or majorly) different from how others cope. 

Sometimes I feel like I’m ‘normal’ or ‘typical’ but then other times I totally understand why I have the diagnosis I do, and why I need the help and medication I have.

.

Emotion

And just like that, I get told some news, 

And all around me people are in tears. 

Yet my mind isn’t built the same as yours,

It doesn’t even, have the same fears.

.

It’s not like I care any less,

Than those breaking in front of me now, 

I care so much and so deeply too

That I break, from the inside out.

.

So tears, that for others, start straight away, 

Are hours, days and weeks from my face,

I feel the sadness, shock and pain you feel, 

But to cry, I need to give myself space.

.

And that’s ok. That that happens to me. 

It’s ok that I’m not the same as you. 

What’s never ok, I mean never ok, 

Is to treat me as though I’m not true.

.

I’ll cope in my ways, 

I’ll cry in my time. 

I’ll deal with the news, 

I bide my own time.

.

So that’s one thing different,

about me, you now know.

I hope it helps you realise 

Not all our differences show.

.

I may not cry on cue,

And that really is ok. 

I have many points that people find odd,

But if you need me, I will sure stay.

.

1st September 2021

The ticking clock of life

We don’t often talk about it, but we are all living life with an invisible ticking clock counting down our minutes, hours and days until our life is over.

If we knew when that moment would be, do you think it would change us? Do you think we’d do more?

It’s one of those conversations that if you have managed to have with someone already it probably ended up with neither of you knowing whether to know the date your life is up would be a good or a bad thing.

Luckily we don’t get to choose to know anyway, so the unknown is how it is.

But how does that sit with you? Will you ever be ready to see the end of your life? Can you tell when someone is nearing the end of their lives before being told by a professional? Do you get premonitions?

It’s a conversation I could talk about for hours but I’ll leave it there with a poem and hopefully leaving you with some helpful thoughts to start thinking about. ♥️

The Ending

The feeling of impending doom, 

Is a difficult one to bear. 

One day everything is as it seems

Then along comes emergency care.

.

One day you’re happy, laughing with friends, 

Not realising your clock is ticking. 

If only we knew when our time was up, 

We’d all have bucket lists for checking.

.

The reality is, no one sees…

No one sees it coming. 

And as the clock strikes for you, 

No one was ready for the ending.

.

So take each day and run with it. 

Treat it like it’s your last, 

Yes, this cliche is very old, 

But we should learn from the past.

.

Life is short, we’re told so often, 

And believe me, that is true.

So live your dreams, love all you can, 

Your life… it’s all there for you.

.

Fromtheheart

Because you loved me…

Most of us have that one person, right? The one who we feel we owe so much to. The one we aspire to be like. The one we look up to.

Well, this is a poem about my ‘person’. Someone who I will always have in my heart, no matter how far apart we are.

Never forget, to tell your person(s) what you think of them and how much they mean to you. Tomorrow is never promised.

Because you loved me…

You’ve been a huge part of everything 

You’ve been a huge part of me

And all that you are now

Is all I hope to be.

.

I’ve always looked up to you, 

Felt pride in who you are,

And changed my life to be like you

Although I’m still so far!

.

See, I’ll never be the same as you

Of course, I already knew that 

Because, who could ever match you,

There’s one you, and that’s that.

.

People often comment, on how alike we are

And I beam with smiles and pride.

You’ve always been my inspiration 

I hope you’ll always be by my side.

.

Whether you’re with me or not

I hold a special place in my heart

It’s always had your name on it, 

And then it feel like we’re never apart.

.

One day we might we worlds away, 

Yet I know you won’t ever leave

Because, to me, you’re everything. 

I love you more than you believe.

.

You showed me love when no one else did, 

You proved to me life is worth living, 

It’s all for you, that I’m still here

You’ve shown me more than all other women.

.

So, thank you for the love you shared,

It turned my cold heart warm, 

I’ll never leave you, never replace you.

From each dusk until each dawn.

.

Fromtheheart 

7th August 2021

Tears filling up….

In my personal life I’ve been going through a lot recently. Some days it feels like theres one lot of bad news after another. I know there are good moments in between, but it’s hard to see those when the tough moments are just so painful.

For anyone struggling, with anything. You are loved. You are wanted. Never forget. Even if you don’t feel it right now, the reason for that is that the pain and sadness has taken over a little and it’s stopping you from seeing the good things right now. But they are there. No one in this world is unloved by everyone.

Tears

Tears fill up your weary eyes,

Full of emotion inside. 

Fears fill up your tired soul, 

It’s not easy to put them aside.

.

I see it in your eyes, 

I see it in your face, 

The pain of every day, 

Is breaking into every space.

.

I hear it in your voice, 

That it’s not long until you break, 

No one can go forever, 

Hiding tears and being fake.

.

It takes all of your energy, 

To hide all that you feel. 

You worry no one can handle it, 

But no one wants to see you ill.

.

I wish I could help in some small way, 

I’d wipe your tears one by one, 

Because, no one deserves to feel this way.

To feel like you’re a burden.

.

You are loved. You are wanted. 

Even if, by only me.

You are treasured. You are cared for. 

Please don’t ever leave.

.

Fromtheheart ©

20th August 2021