Losing people has been a part of my life. It’s happened all the way through from my teenage years and carried on to the rest of my life.
I’ve lost people that have been a lot older than me, people that have been the same age as me and all people that I should never even contemplate seeing the death of, children.
Each death has affected me in different ways. Each time I tell myself ‘right, we’ve done this before, we know what to expect and how it works’ but of course each time I’m shocked how I feel, I don’t expect very much at all, and everything I think I need to expect doesn’t happen or happens even greater than before. So, in short, I’m trying to say that even if you’ve never lost anyone before, or you’ve lost a lot of people, with each new death comes new feelings and new approaches are learned. You don’t realise it at the time, but each death shows us who we can really rely on out of our living friends and family, death often brings out some horrible parts of people, parts I never knew even existed until I met with it. Again, i learned.
Now… now I take each death as something brand new. I make sure that I always do everything I can to help them feel better while they know they’re dying or as they age etc. I send letters, photos, make gifts and the like. It helps them, and also helps me. For me personally one of the most crippling stages of grief is guilt, the guilt that you never told them you loved them enough, that you never told them how you feel about them, that you never made them feel special etc, I’ve learned from experiencing that guilt that I can’t have that again, so I do all I can to show everyone that I care about just how I feel about them. Then, should death occur to either of us I will know that I did my best to share my feelings of love to them.
Right now, I have an older member of my family who I absolutely adore. They mean the world to me and more, and even though I’ve spent my life telling them how I feel I still do it now, through words, through actions, through little gifts here and there. It doesn’t take the pain away but it does ease some of how I feel. The other process I use to help myself is writing. So here’s one of today’s poems.
It’s been 10 years since your son left.
Since he chose to leave this place,
And in those 10 years I’ve got through,
Because I could still see your face.
Those eyes that looked to me with love,
Those arms that hugged me tight.
And as I watch you grow older now
I can’t help but feel this fright.
Without you, without him, without them,
I don’t know what I’ll do,
Without love, without truth, without hope,
I don’t know how I’ll pull through.
Almost 10 years to the day,
10 years ago ripped me apart,
I couldn’t stand losing him then
If you’re gone too, you’d take my whole heart.
I love you more than I could ever explain,
On the outside and inside too.
You’re beauty and perfection,
You’ve taught me to be true.
So as your time draws nearer,
Please know, I’ll never ask you to stay,
Because I know you’ll meet your son again,
And I’d be selfish to take that away.
You deserve a break from all this world
All the evil and hate you’ve seen
You deserve the best of everything,
You will always be, my Queen.
So, leave when you need to,
But please take my heart,
Because then, I know, we will be
Never. again. apart.
11th September 2021