The message reads….

This is a tough one to write for me. It’s raw. It’s real. And it’s happening everywhere.

This is something you may even do yourself without even thinking. At first you read people’s posts and think what a lovely thing to write, how thoughtful, how empathetic. Then it gets you.

What I’m talking about is the people that post supporting mental health charities. The ones that tell you that lockdown has been tough for so many people, and that there are so many people struggling with day to day life right now. They then go on to remind you to stay in touch with your loved ones. Keep in contact with those that you know are struggling and the ones that aren’t. Remember a smiley person isn’t always a happy person etc etc.

These are lovely posts to read, but if you are someone who isn’t contacting family, texting loved ones, keeping in touch with friends… please do not post this. It makes your loved ones feel like nothing. Literally nothing. Right now, as we speak my ‘family’ are posting these posts and it hurts like hell as I haven’t heard from any of them. I have tried to keep in touch but get shot down pretty much every attempt I made. Even before lockdown the only time we’d see each other was if I made the effort to go to them. I started to wonder if they’d ever make the effort themselves… they didn’t. I sent cards, presents everything…. got nothing back. I didn’t do it for the return but when you consistently get nothing back emotionally or physically we all get to the stage of giving up.

So, what I’m trying to remind you all, is if you post these posts, well done, it’s needed, but please make sure you are doing the same as your post is telling people to do.

Xx

The message reads

The message reads

“Stay in touch with your loved ones”

“Mental illness is rising”

“Don’t suffer alone once”.

.

Then people add statuses 

“Don’t forget those you care for too”

But why do you say this? 

When I never hear from you.

.

The message also reads

“This charity needs you,”

“To help answer all the calls”

“From the sad and lonely too”.

.

Their message says 

“Keep in touch with those struggling”

Even those who hide away, 

They need to feel that they belong.

.

So, if you add a status, 

or tell the world you care 

Please do it, ring your family 

And show them that you’re there.

.

Don’t say these things or write them 

If you’re not concerned at all, 

Because all your loved ones seeing that 

Will feel less than nothing at all.

.

They’ll notice you’ve not contacted them, 

They’ll feel so hurt and sad, 

That you’ve told the world you’re there for them 

But ignored the ones you had.

.

The message reads- “Be kind to all”

Please hear this loud and clear 

This message is for ALL of us

Be with loved ones when you shed that tear.

.

05/02/2021

Fromtheheart

Insomnia

Some people will never have problems sleeping, while others never have problems staying awake!! Insomnia is a cruel condition that takes your mind, body and soul and crushes it a little more for every hour you’ve missed being asleep.

As the night goes on and it starts to get closer to the ‘morning’ (when the rest of your house wakes up), you realise that it’s now too late to sleep so you spend your time keeping yourself awake, which gets harder as the morning approaches.

Sometimes stress, anxiety and depression can make insomniacs feel even worse and when they do sleep, all they get is nightmares.

So, if you know someone suffering this, please try and be understanding. And, if you’re the one suffering with insomnia, talk, talk to friends, family or even find a group on social media. It may even help clear your mind enough to grab a couple more hours than usual. ❤️

Insomnia

Insomnia creeps so slowly in 

And steals the sleep that you need. 

Where do you go? What do you do?

How will you mind take heed?

.

Sleep is for the weak, they say to us,  

But weak, is just what we are.

Sleeping is a dream, we wish for us, 

But it’s a dream that’s way too far.

.

We’re hoping, wishing and longing for- 

A night of endless sleep. 

But getting an hour here or there, 

No matter what symptom we treat.

.

At night is when the pains are worse,

The silence is almost a dread 

One day we wish insomnia was cured 

You’d not believe all the books we’ve read.

.

But we are humans, and not just words 

And books don’t always help.

But learning ourselves, what works for us –

Things that calm- our inner self.

.

Insomnia isn’t a condition we fake.

When we say “up all night”, we mean it. 

It’s a condition we wish to cure for all

We need research to help us fix it.

.

When we don’t sleep, we feel so lost, 

Like a body without a soul, 

We never get used to it, far from that. 

A nights sleep, is always our goal.

.

So please be patient, we try our best, 

But no sleep, stops our minds thinking straight. 

And the advice that you give, we’ve already tried 

We hope research is worth the wait.

.

To all of you, sleeping peacefully tonight,

Spare a thought, for those up on their own 

Insomnia is an illness, it’s not a joke. 

And we’ve lived with it, as we have grown.

.

Fromtheheart 

29th January 2021

Endless battle…

My endless battle starts when I wake up and carries on even when I’m asleep. I have mental health conditions and physical too. If my mental health is bad then my physical problems are all set off, and generally this works the other way round too.

I sometimes feel like my life is an endless battle, and I don’t know why I’ve been given or sent down for this life. I can’t make anything of it with these debilitating conditions and what I can manage is barely worth it.

I feel like I make life hard for everyone around me. They’re either worrying about how I’m coping, or how much pain I’m in, they worry I could lose the plot and want to harm myself, they just worry.

It’s so easy to talk yourself into the fact that everyone is better off without you. Much easier than you’d ever imagine. I try to remind myself of the very few people that do care and would be sad, but then I convince myself that even though they’d be sad they would eventually live a life without me if I wasn’t here.

This is even more difficult to talk about considering I’ve been a victim of suicide. My own father committed suicide and sometimes this makes me think I could never do that to these people, other times I think of how relaxed he must be now. How at peace he must be now. How he must never feel pain like we do anymore. And over time, I have to admit, I get it.

The main thing I struggle having lost people to suicide is the fact that I know exactly what they must’ve felt like before they did it, because I’ve been there. I’ve been there and been rescued every time but one day I won’t be. One day it’ll be my time.

.

Worthless

I just can’t do this anymore, 

I feel like I’m going to lose it

I’ve got hardly anything left to live for 

And those people- they can do this.

.

I’m a worthless, useless package, 

Sent from god knows where. 

I don’t have the mental capability 

To even bloody care.

.

I spend my life, trying hard, 

Trying to make everyone feel loved.

But what’s the point if they don’t care, 

They can search elsewhere for love.

.

I can’t keep giving and never receiving 

I can’t keep on like this, 

I can’t keep being the butt of jokes, 

I just want that eternal abyss.

.

I can’t sleep, I can’t stop thinking, 

I can’t even breathe some days. 

I want to help you, of course I do, 

But it’s your own hard work that pays.

.

A positive now is eating not cutting, 

But cutting I prefer the most. 

I can hide the blades and the scars I make 

But this weight I can’t hide. It’s gross.

.

I’ll carry on trying, and learning too, 

One day I hope I’ll be proud, 

I hope to feel more than just hate for me

I hope one day that is allowed.

.

Fromtheheart 

25th January 2021

Take a little time for you…

The world we live in often demands a little more than we have, but we are always striving for better, for health, for love, for time out.

Sometimes we need to step back and realise what’s important and more often than not our loved ones are the most important thing in this world.

When all the money is gone, when all the struggles cease…

Who will be by your side to enjoy that peace?

Equally when times are hard, as it often is. Who’s by your side?

Whose loyalty do you thrive on?

If you take time out for you, you will often find, that this gives you time to work out how to include your loved ones in your already busy life.

.

Soaking away the troubles.

Soaking in the bath, 

The pain easing within me, 

While relaxing for a moment, 

I know- I’ll never be pain free.

.

I know that now, 

I’m accepting the fact, 

But soaking in the bath, 

Takes some pressure off my back.

.

Chronic illnesses are misunderstood, 

So we live with them day by day, 

We learn ourselves what we can do, 

To take the pain away.

.

Soaking in a warm bath, 

Just makes me feel alive.

It puts a lid on tough emotions, 

If only for a while.

.

So, take a while to give yourself 

The time and space you need. 

And whatever challenges await you now, 

May you keep on the armour you need.

.

Fromtheheart 

24/01/2021

My SH explained…

Self harming is something no one wants to know about or see. The people that do it to themselves, they don’t want to know about it or see it either.

The real relief is only short lived, like a painkiller masks the pain.

Please know, self harming comes in many, many forms, from the most commonly known – cutting, to some of the rarest – deliberately causing infections, using food disorders and more.

Every time someone self harms please take it seriously and do your best to try and understand the self harmer… please don’t be angry, we are already directing our own anger towards ourselves.

.

SH

When self harming takes the pain away,

Making the numbness disappear, 

It seems like the right thing to do right then, 

Until I see your face with a tear.

.

I never wanted to hurt you, 

I only ever want to hurt me, 

But in the process I break you a little 

And that, I can’t bare to see.

.

So when I feel it’s time to self harm

I beg and plead with myself 

Sometimes I fail and ignore that voice 

Sometimes it takes over itself.

.

I never mean for you to see the wounds 

I hate that I have to cover up, 

I know that when you see you’ll break some more 

But self harming is one way that I cope.

.

When things are tough and I feel I can’t breathe,

I need something to feel real again, 

This is why self harming helps me, 

But I feel so bad, now and then.

.

I’m sorry for pain I’m causing you, 

While causing pain to me, 

But if I didn’t do this I dread to think, 

About just where I would be.

.

Self harming stops the suicide mission, 

It holds my life intact, 

Mentally, I’m scarred so deep inside 

But physically I’m here, and that’s that.

.

If I didn’t have children, and didn’t have you,

I just wouldn’t be here right now. 

So, when I self harm, in all of my ways. 

I bring the emotion that peaks right down.

.

I take the deepest breath I’ve taken, 

As self harming comes to an end. 

For hours or days or weeks before 

I’ve been struggling to life extend.

.

So, of course, I never want to hurt you,

If I did, I wouldn’t be hurting me. 

Some days I wish you’d understand, 

But that pain- I never want you to see.

.

I’ll try again, I’ll try from now,

To think of the pain you’re in, 

If suicide happens I’m so sorry, 

I couldn’t make that new life begin.

.

24/01/2021

Fromtheheart

We can’t always be the one…

We’ve all had times where we wished we were that ‘one’ for someone. The hardest thing is to admit that you aren’t.

Not always just in loving relationships, but for families and friends too. You can only be the best version of you. If you feel that you need to change to keep someone happy, then trust me you are in the wrong place.

I’ve spent years trying to be the best daughter, or sister, or lover or friend. Lately I’m realising that I’m very few of those to any of the people in my life.

.

I’m not the one

I’m not the person that you want me to be,

I can’t be the one that you need. 

The one you need- trust me, you already have

You just need to stop & think to see.

.

I don’t have the qualities you need in me, 

I’m totally different from you, 

You know who you need and want in life 

I just wish you’d stop searching for it too.

.

I can’t change to keep you happy, 

It wouldn’t be right or fair.

I want to be accepted just for me, 

The one you need is right over there.

.

I can’t help you out, how you want me to, 

I won’t ever take the place of her, 

She is the one you need right now, 

I won’t be the cause of a stir.

.

She’s waiting for you, but not as you want. 

You hurt her, like everyone else, 

You’ve got bridges to build & mountains to climb 

You need to find your inner self.

.

You need to be honest with her and I 

But most of all be honest with you.

You can’t start again with all of this hate, 

I wish you well in finding the truth.

.

I’ll be here should you fall, with advice for you,

I’ll be on the other end of a phone, 

But don’t ever stop trying to find, 

That honest you. It’s there, not on loan.

.

Fromtheheart

24/01/2021

Lie to me

It’s the thing I hate most in the world- lying. Right now, I have a compulsive liar living with me, to say it’s been difficult would be an understatement.

So, in true poet style I’ve decided that I’ll write poetry to help me process some of what’s happening, then maybe I’ll be able to work through it! Who knows?!

.

Lie to me once

Lie to me once 

I need to learn quick 

Lie to me twice 

I need to watch it.

Lie to me 3 times

And I’ll stop the care

Because I can’t love anyone 

Who lies – like it’s fair.

.

Talk behind my back once 

That’s fine, we’re not perfect, 

Talk a second time though,

Is it really worth it? 

Talk about me a third time 

We are falling out , 

You don’t need to do all this,

I’m not worth the words you spout.

.

Watch me making dinner 

Watch me while I eat 

Watch me when I’m talking 

Even if you never speak.

If you’re trying to sus me out

It’s really not worth your time, 

But watch me more, I get it 

Just don’t sit back and whine.

.

You choose the path you follow

You have crossroads all the time, 

But if you want to lie to me 

You can do it one more time. 

Once for luck, I’m not sure

But I doubt it very much 

Lie to me another time 

There’ll be no more us, as such.

.

Fromtheheart 

21/01/2021

A little poem

I’ve got a lot going on in my life at the moment, I always feel that whatever is going on it seems to have an affect on my writing, sometimes for the good, sometimes not at all.

At the moment, my mind is feeling so full of things I need to do, can do, can’t do, want to do, have to do and everything in between that my poetry will be the only thing to bring out all the pain. I don’t usually know what I’m writing about until I start the poem, and from them the words just flow, almost like I was reading from a book. So, here’s today’s one!

.

When? If? While. As. Never.

When I’m aching and down 

When I’m feeling the pain,

When, emotionally,

I’m taking the strain.

.

If I’m trying to recover 

If it has to be here

If I need to get help 

I’ll look far and near.

.

While I’m stuck in this hole 

While I feel safe inside 

While I’m holding a light 

To show all this unkind.

.

As I’m trying to move on 

As I’m walking away 

As I’m taking each breath 

And keeping bad thoughts at bay.

.

Never think that it’s over

Never think you’ll be free 

Never worry more than I do, 

One day I’ll live free.

.

So, if you’re thinking of lying 

I’ve heard it before,

So stop, turn and leave please, 

I’ve a new world to explore.

.

Fromtheheart 

21/01/2021

Will a life still hold your name ?

It sometimes feels that we are at the beginning of the end of the world, especially when the coronavirus numbers are so high. The deaths are still seeming out of control in some countries, and we are left wondering why.

Then, as well as the Coronavirus deaths, we are still having the deaths that happen anyway, the increased deaths from cancer patients who can’t get into hospital to get treatment and not forgetting those losing their battle with mental health problems and committing suicide. Please hold for a moment to remember those lost. Those you knew and those you don’t 💔

.

Will a life still hold your name?

Death and dying everywhere, 

Coronavirus is a killer, 

But still there’s people insisting 

It won’t make you sicker.

.

Suffering in the arms of nurses 

Coronavirus is so hated 

But some people still don’t believe 

That it ever was created.

.

Families being wiped out quickly 

Coronavirus has made its mark,

But some people will try and tell you 

It’s not torn any families apart.

.

How the figures all add up, 

How the exhausted nurses cry, 

How coronavirus takes a life every 30 seconds 

How more than 1 million people have died.

.

How can you sit there and see these deaths,

How can you not believe this is true, 

A conspiracy, this is absolutely not. 

It’s just a tragedy, that came out of the blue.

.

Please wear your masks and wash your hands, 

Please tell your family the same, 

And when this is all over 

A life will still hold your name?

.

Fromtheheart 

19th January 2020

Chronic illness…

Living with a chronic illness is barely describable. You’re faced with a life you never thought you’d have. In your mind you’re a teen still, but your body has other plans.

Some days you’re locked up in the house, unable to move at all. All you can hear are the second hands tick and you pray that the end is so near. I get you, I hear you, I wish I could heal you. I can listen and understand though.

So, if you have a friend recently diagnosed or one that’s been diagnosed for a long time and you’ve just realised you don’t include them anymore, please check in with them. When you get these diagnoses, it’s literally like a being hit with a tonne of bricks and not knowing where to turn, knowing your life is not going to be the same again. Most of us lose friends and family; just because we can’t always stick to plans made, we can cancel at short notice, some days we don’t want to or are to tired to pick up the phone or reply to a text.

At the very least… please don’t judge us. I can promise you we are all trying our best.

.

Chronic

I’m so fed up of feeling like this 

This chronic illness is beating me up, 

I don’t know how else to describe it, 

But I’ve lost the person that once stood up.

.

My body needs sleep all the time, 

I try so hard, I really do, 

Every days just a huge mighty, struggle, 

A fight just to see the day through.

.

My family deserve so much more, 

Much more than I can ever offer, 

They deserve peace and happiness more often,

Not all of this pain and the bother.

.

Having a chronic illness- It’s all ups and downs, 

No predictions- like a theme park ride, 

I don’t know from one day to the next,

If I will feel dead or alive.

.

There’s nothing to smile at,

With me in the room, 

There’s nothing left of me, 

Just sickness and doom.

.

I get the energy, one day to feel, 

I can enjoy the day, but not the night too. 

It’s like I’m punished for living here always,  

It’s like I’m not meant to be breathing with you.

.

“Well.. if it’s my time then take me”

Don’t make them all suffer with me, 

They all deserve a life with more freedom, 

Not the life here, they constantly see.

.

It must look like I’m lazy as anything; 

It must look like I don’t give a damn.

When inside my head I am screaming, 

Just let me live the life I’d had planned.

.

So, Let me enjoy time with my husband, 

And, let my family enjoy the alive me,

Or when I’m gone they’ll have no memories, 

Other than watching me breathe.

.

I wish I could explain how I feel, 

I guess this is the way that I do, 

But I rarely share just how it feels, 

To be me, when I wish to be you.

.

16th January 2021

Fromtheheart

Democracy…

Most of the countries in the world, have a safe and fair democracy. There are many that still don’t. So, if you live somewhere where this is something you have, please start to feel privileged and not ashamed or disappointed. Living in a country with a democracy means that you may not always get things done the way you’d like to see it happen, but it will happen the way that the majority of voters choose. It really is the fairest way of doing things.

The problems start when your democracy is put under strain. When the minority of voters, decide that they won’t stand for others being ‘allowed’ a voice. And that they won’t put up with living the way others vote to live.

When those voters forget to remind themselves that they live in a country where it is deemed a safe, fair place to vote, where every (valid) vote is counted then bigger issues occur. When these people then decide to protest (again something that is deemed fair and freedom of speech) and then they get violent or incite violence elsewhere the whole country suffers.

2020 was a very tough year for most of us, what with the global Covid-19 pandemic and everything that goes along with that.

These times in our lives we need to know that we are supported and loved and cared about. We shouldn’t have anyone feeling the need to do these things against the government or any other authority.

We need to start to show the world, and ourselves some love. And it all starts with us.

.

Decisions & Democracy

These numbers… they’re still rising daily, 

But is it incompetence or not? 

Because I can see that politics…

Needs more than most of us have got.

.

It’s seems easy- sitting here on our sofas

Demanding decisions whilst watching the news 

But how many of us could make these decisions?

When everybody has such different views.

.

You’d never, ever, please the whole country.

Even half is tough enough. 

So when laws need to come into force, 

We shout and scream and huff.

.

But we couldn’t make those decisions 

Or do a much better job, 

Because, politics takes so much more than that, 

So much more than, most of us, have got.

.

No matter what they try and do, 

So many still protest and chant, 

And just when they think they’ve got it right, 

There’s another group saying “You can’t”.

.

We really need to pull together now, 

The nights are as grim as the days, 

This pandemic has seen the best of us, 

And the worst- in so many ways.

.

Please know these decisions that are made for us; 

Are made because it’s voted the best way; 

So instead of finding another complaint 

Think of compliments to say today.

.

It may seem real hard at first, I know, 

It’s not something we’re always taught, 

But trust me on this- the good, you will see- 

Will mean more, than you’d ever, have thought.

.

And, yes, of course, democracy is important, 

Free speech just as important too, 

But just using your free speech for hate,

Isn’t what we need this world to do.

.

Go out into the world and spread kindness, 

Support and uphold the things that you love, 

And slowly, the world, will follow, 

Please stop the hate. We need more love.

.

10th January 2021 

Fromtheheart

Covid-19 – too close for comfort…

I’m in the South East of England, a place highlighted for its super high Covid rates.

In the beginning when it was in a different country it sounds scary and watching the news I felt awful for those lives being lost.

Then it hit our country, something few thought would happen… but it did. Now we are overrun with patients in hospitals, so much so that they are stopping other surgery and treatment to treat Covid patients.

Now, we’re in the second wave, on our 3rd lockdown and people are catching it in my road. It’s so close it’s scary. For the first time throughout all this I’m feeling scared and vulnerable.

Sorry this poem is so long… I had so much I wanted to say.

.

COVID-19-you’re too close

It’s been in the world for more than a year 

It’s been to nearly every place you can name

It’s infected millions, killed so many too, 

Another dies holding family in a frame.

.

It used to be in countries around the globe, 

It was like watching a sci-fi movie all day, 

Then it came to our country, as quick as can be 

And we locked- down to keep it away.

.

But the country split into two, 

Some realising the danger, others not. 

Conspiracy theories flooded the internet 

While hospitals were filling up, to the top.

.

The lockdown worked well though, 

Most people obeyed the rules,

But then summer came along-

The sun was out and the kids not in school.

.

Covid-19 filled the lungs of our loved ones 

It killed many thousands, and more to come, 

Doctors and nurses came down with it, 

Some died too. 2020 wasn’t, even, nearly done.

.

As the darker night drew in 

Covid ramped up it’s force 

Infecting so many 

Lockdown back down for us.

.

But people are still dying.

Patients young and old,

Then the vaccine news arrived

We all hoped to see Covid fold.

.

Vaccinating people, every minute, every day 

Is only possible when the stocks are there

We all needed 2 jabs, to ensure that we were safe 

Vaccinating the country, but where?

.

We needed the vaccine- The nurses as well. 

We needed volunteers, we needed you too. 

Now Covid rates are higher than ever before 

Get your jabs when called-were counting on you

.

We are in our third lockdown now

And people all around me- still contracting ,

It’s rife in our area, it’s scary, it’s true 

People dying everyday, it’s more than distracting.

.

I’m getting nervous now,

My mind plays tricks again,

Where do I go from here, 

No where- not til this ends.

.

Please listen up world- listen to me once

There are no theories to prove this isn’t true, 

Please hear me now. I speak the truth,

Covid is killing people all the day through.

.

So lock yourself at home, 

Keep your families safe,

When it’s time to come outside 

It won’t be a day too late.

.

Please..Remember those who’ve passed away,

And all those gravely ill right now, 

Remember their faces, their names too,

This is real. This is happening now.

.

23:25 07/01/2021

Fromtheheart

New Year 2021…

Another new year has started. We put so much energy into trying to become something that, often, we aren’t meant to be. We put so much effort into our looks that we forget to make sure our personalities are how we want to come across to people.

All this energy that we use up in the first few weeks of January could be used in so many better ways. So, when you’re thinking of a New Years resolution, maybe it’s time to concentrate on the people you love, and the love for yourself. When you love yourself, you inadvertently become what you wanted anyway, without the added pressure of it being January.

To all the readers of my blog, I wish you all the happiest and healthiest New Year for you and your families.

New year 2021

New year, but do I feel hopeful?

It’s not the new year we would ever expect, 

Coming out of a year in a pandemic 

A year of highs, lows and a lot of regret.

.

A year- we lost loved ones unexpectedly,

A year- where we lost all control, 

A year- where the rules changed so often. 

A year- where we lost what makes us whole.

.

Our families stayed indoors to keep safe 

Only phone calls and zoom calls were made 

Still a year on we’ve not seen each other, 

At home is where we’ve been told to stay.

.

So, hopeful for the new year? I’m not sure, 

We are entering it still in a pandemic, 

We are all trying to be hopeful, that’s true, 

But there’s no sign that this is near ending.

.

But, go into the new year we must, 

Time doesn’t stop for no man, 

Together we’ll continue to walk on

And stay strong as much as we can.

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We remember the loved ones we’ve lost, 

We pray for the number of deaths each day, 

We acknowledge that those numbers are people 

For the country and the world we pray.

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31/12/2020 – 01/01/2021

Fromtheheart

On the COVID ward…

It’s something we have all become more aware of…COVID-19 wards in hospitals are becoming overrun with patients again.

We are in the second wave now and it’s proving to be worse than the first wave. Images on the news show just how serious it’s getting, yet there are still people who believe that COVID-19 is fake and all a conspiracy. These beliefs put us all at risk, because these people won’t wear masks or sanitise their hands, because they don’t believe they need to.

The country needs to pull together and realise that this is actually threatening the human population. There has been over a million deaths worldwide already.

For those that have suffered it themselves or lost a loved one to this awful virus, I send love to you all. You are not alone. 💔❤️

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On the COVID ward

On the COVID ward 

Where the sickest people go, 

The nurses all in PPE 

The constant oxygen flow.

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On the COVID ward 

Patients struggle to breathe, 

Nurses and doctors lost for words 

As yet another family grieves.

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On the COVID ward, 

It’s like nothing seen before,

We all strive to save our NHS,

But they’re being stretched more and more.

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On the COVID ward, 

Last breaths are regularly taken, 

Last words are heard and shared by phone

With families whose hearts are broken.

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On the COVID ward, 

Emotions are running high, 

Constant deaths- with only a nurse 

And missed chances to say goodbye.

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On the COVID ward, 

Patients are fighting for their lives 

And underneath the masks you see, 

Nurses wipe tears from their eyes.

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2020 has been a tough year 

And Covid has drained us all, 

We or someone we know has had it, 

It’s a fight that needs us ALL.

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31/12/2020 

Fromtheheart

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Note: photo courtesy of Google

Grief

Grief is such a personal thing. Because of this it can be a lonely road sometimes.

2020 has seen grief hit more families than ever before due to COVID-19, and all the issues that surround it. Mental Heath issues due to lockdown has increased so much, suicides have increased, and then there are the people that are dying at home because they don’t want to go to hospital for fear of contracting COVID-19 too, and because they leave it, some people have ended up passing away.

I lost my Grandmother 10 years ago, the pain I feel now it just as raw as the day she died.

I’ve been present at quite a few deaths now, but my grandmother is one that I just can’t recover from, no matter how much therapy/counselling I have.

I’ve written a poem that sadly many of you may be able to relate to.

If you’ve lost someone close this year (or any other year) please know there are people out there to help, and my messages are open too. Take care and stay safe everyone.

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Nothing hurt more…

Nothing hurt more 

Than the day I watched you die 

Nothing felt more awful 

Than seeing you try not to cry.

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Nothing has touched the pain 

Like losing you did, 

Nothing before and nothing since 

And nothing ever will.

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The day you passed away,

You took a little part of me, 

I felt I couldn’t live anymore 

But you came and found me in my dreams

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You showed me how you’re happy now 

At peace and free from pain,

No more sorrow, no more tears,

Freedom in the sunshine and the rain.

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I’ll miss you til my dying day, 

10 years on, I still miss you so.

I’ll carry on my life, with you by my side 

And I’ll never once let you go.

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Heavens got an angel of mine

That I believe was meant to stay, 

But I know that you’re ok up there 

Please wait for me, okay?

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30/12/2020

Fromtheheart ❤️💔

They told me ….

Have you ever been in a relationship that your family and friends don’t ‘approve of’ as you’d hoped. Ever felt like you have to stand up for your family when the rest of your family and friends are trying to bring them (and maybe even you) down.

I’ve been in relationships that have been completely wrong on all levels. It took me a while but I got out on the end.

Now, I’m in a relationship that is right on all levels but the things that happen behind closed doors are the things our families find out about and then rather than support us through they ridicule us.

Maybe one day they’ll understand. Although I expect not.

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They told me

They told me to leave

To not waste my time, 

But I believe in you, 

And wanted you to be mine.

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They told me I wouldn’t cope,

Yet I’ve done so everyday, 

Mental health issues 

Are always just a heartbeat away.

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They told me it’s not fair, 

But they don’t see, 

What’s behind our closed door

The love of you and me.

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They told me- don’t panic 

How would I do that? 

Just watch from the sidelines 

While my husbands that sad.

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They told me to get out, 

And take the children with me, 

I so wish mental health problems 

Were physical, so you’d see.

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I told myself hang in there, 

Each step forward is a plus, 

Always take your husbands hand 

And show him who to trust.

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I told myself that one day….

He might not try to take his life, 

I hope and pray and wish each day, 

That I won’t wake up a widowed wife.

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Fromtheheart 

Written 18/12/2020

Dreaming….

Today, I’m reflecting on the wonder that is… dreaming.

We all do it. We all cope in different ways with different dreams. We all need dreams, however dramatic, emotional, exciting or interesting they are.

What will you dream tonight? What’s been your favourite dream? What’s been your most scary dream?

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Dreamcatcher

As night time falls upon us again 

We rest out weary eyes, 

And just when we’re at peace again 

A dream starts to arise.

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Will you fall again this time 

Will you be chased for days 

Will you be wishing to wake up 

Will you be startled into a gaze.

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Sleep is something we all need so much 

To process each day that we live

To sort out the dramas with friends we know 

To watch what we get and give.

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It’s a chance to look upon your life 

And improve as the person you are. 

Take all your dreams in your stride

Never forget the soul you are.

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So, as another night time comes along 

Don’t be worried about what you dream 

It’s developing you, delivering hope 

And will help make the best version of you.

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Fromtheheart

Who would believe it?…

Every year brings it’s own pain and joy. This year, 2020, it’s brought more pain to the largest amount of the population, of the whole world. It’s been unprecedented. This will be the year our kids tell their kids and grandchildren about.

Make it count.

Be the one that eased those feelings of worry, anxiety and confusion.

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Be the one

Who’d have thought it 

Who’d have known 

Just what we’ve been through 

This year alone.

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Who’d have dreamt it 

Who’d have seen 

All that we’ve missed 

All that we dream.

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Who’d have warned us 

Who’d have believed 

That this year would show 

Our hearts just bleed.

.

Who’d you have trusted 

Who’d you have phoned

If you had one choice 

Someone you know.

.

Who’d you have wanted 

Who’s hand would you grasp

If you were told you were dying

And each breath could be your last.

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Who’d have called you? 

If there could only be one 

Would you have made that list

To show up when life was done.

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Those people that you thought of then

Go tell them what they mean

Today, with all that’s spreading

It could be just what they need.

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When touch and hugs are banned, 

Each word you say rings true, 

Show love in all you can 

And show they’re loved in all you do. ❤️

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Fromtheheart 

Written on 13/12/2020

It happened again…..

Have you ever gone from one extreme emotion to another in a split second? It happened to me today, I was preparing things for my day and as if something awful just happened my husband just told me his plans to take his own life…. TODAY.

I felt the adrenaline rush through my body as I desperately tried to find the words to help him, and not hinder the situation.

It’s happened before. I’m scared it’ll happen again. I’m scared one day I won’t be there…..

.

I don’t have to say the word, 

You’ll get it soon enough.

Represented with a semi colon, 

“Your life means more to us”.

.

It’s a word that haunts my deepest soul, 

Yet, so far, I’ve conquered those fears, 

You want to take your last breath now, 

I can’t lose another one I hold dear.

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A failure I call it. On my part… Yes.

Guilt from before still smothers my being 

And now I’m given you, that I need to save, 

How long do I fight for your living.

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I know what goes on. 

How it takes all your mind. 

I know how it stabs you 

Right from behind 

So trust me, my love. 

And I’ll do my very best. 

Without being selfish, 

It’s just not your time yet.

.

I know it’s not your time.

I hear you asking for help too,

And every single day from now, 

I stay right next to you.

.

So, that word I didn’t need to say, 

I let it escape from inside my heart. 

I can’t save everybody, I know. 

But right here’s a good place to start.

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16/12/2020

Fromtheheart

Last breath call…

It’s a question we’ve asked ourselves before but no more than we are doing right now.

Who would be the one you’d want to hold your hand as you took your last breath.

And…who would call you for the same thing.

2020 has been a year most of us want to forget and never revisit, some of us need to revisit though, and some need to grieve for all they lost.

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Last breath call

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Who’d have thought it?

Who’d have known?

Just what we’ve been through 

This year alone.

.

Who’d have dreamt it?

Who’d have seen?

All that we’ve missed 

All that we dream.

.

Who’d have warned us?

Who’d have believed?

That this year would show

Our hearts just bleed.

.

Who’d you have trusted?

Who’d you have phoned?

If you had one choice 

Someone you know.

.

Who’d you have wanted?

Who’s hand would you grasp?

If you were told you were dying

And each breath could be your last.

.

Who’d have called you? 

If there could only be one 

Would you have made that list?

To show up when life was done.

.

Those people that you thought of then

Go tell them what they mean

Today, with all that’s spreading

It could be just what they need.

.

When touch and hugs are banned, 

Each word you say rings true, 

Show love in all you can 

And show they’re loved in all you do. ❤️

.

Fromtheheart 

13/12/2020

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If you relate to this or know someone that does please feel free to share. I hope it helps people get life itself into perspective. Who you want with you when you take your final breath (if you could choose), they’re the ones that need to know just how special they are to you. Even if you tell them everyday. Tell them again.

Stay safe ❤️