Never apart…

Losing people has been a part of my life. It’s happened all the way through from my teenage years and carried on to the rest of my life.

I’ve lost people that have been a lot older than me, people that have been the same age as me and all people that I should never even contemplate seeing the death of, children.

Each death has affected me in different ways. Each time I tell myself ‘right, we’ve done this before, we know what to expect and how it works’ but of course each time I’m shocked how I feel, I don’t expect very much at all, and everything I think I need to expect doesn’t happen or happens even greater than before. So, in short, I’m trying to say that even if you’ve never lost anyone before, or you’ve lost a lot of people, with each new death comes new feelings and new approaches are learned. You don’t realise it at the time, but each death shows us who we can really rely on out of our living friends and family, death often brings out some horrible parts of people, parts I never knew even existed until I met with it. Again, i learned.

Now… now I take each death as something brand new. I make sure that I always do everything I can to help them feel better while they know they’re dying or as they age etc. I send letters, photos, make gifts and the like. It helps them, and also helps me. For me personally one of the most crippling stages of grief is guilt, the guilt that you never told them you loved them enough, that you never told them how you feel about them, that you never made them feel special etc, I’ve learned from experiencing that guilt that I can’t have that again, so I do all I can to show everyone that I care about just how I feel about them. Then, should death occur to either of us I will know that I did my best to share my feelings of love to them.

Right now, I have an older member of my family who I absolutely adore. They mean the world to me and more, and even though I’ve spent my life telling them how I feel I still do it now, through words, through actions, through little gifts here and there. It doesn’t take the pain away but it does ease some of how I feel. The other process I use to help myself is writing. So here’s one of today’s poems.

Never apart

It’s been 10 years since your son left. 

Since he chose to leave this place, 

And in those 10 years I’ve got through, 

Because I could still see your face.

.

Those eyes that looked to me with love, 

Those arms that hugged me tight. 

And as I watch you grow older now 

I can’t help but feel this fright.

.

Without you, without him, without them,

I don’t know what I’ll do, 

Without love, without truth, without hope,

I don’t know how I’ll pull through.

.

Almost 10 years to the day, 

10 years ago ripped me apart, 

I couldn’t stand losing him then

If you’re gone too, you’d take my whole heart.

.

I love you more than I could ever explain, 

On the outside and inside too. 

You’re beauty and perfection, 

You’ve taught me to be true.

.

So as your time draws nearer, 

Please know, I’ll never ask you to stay,

Because I know you’ll meet your son again, 

And I’d be selfish to take that away.

.

You deserve a break from all this world 

All the evil and hate you’ve seen 

You deserve the best of everything,

You will always be, my Queen.

.

So, leave when you need to,

But please take my heart,

Because then, I know, we will be 

Never. again. apart.

.

11th September 2021

Broken chains…

I’ve had this blog for around 4 years now, and my family and friends have no idea. I keep it that way for one reason, on this page I like to keep things honest, raw, relatable and if it helps just one person then I am happy with that. To keep it raw and honest, I need to feel secure in the knowledge that those people that intentionally and unintentionally hurt me in any way will not see this, and if they do happen to come across my page they won’t know it’s me. This is the reason I’ve kept my name out of it all.

When you have Borderline Personality Disorder, feelings you feel intensely one day can be completely dissipated by the next day, or they can be stronger and deeper. How I felt a year ago is different to how I feel now. Some feelings are similar some aren’t. Some coping mechanisms are the same, some aren’t, others may return at a later date.

So, being truthful with you about my journey with BPD and other chronic illnesses means I have more chance of not only helping you but helping me too.

We often blame ourselves when things go wrong in our lives, we never stop and wonder if these trauma responses or these feelings have been passed down through generations of family members that never dealt with the trauma they suffered. This can and does happen, and even recent studies have shown this to be a huge cause of mental health and chronic pain illnesses. It’s not always intentional, but it’s there, it’s very present and unless we do something about it we will also see it pass to the next generation, our children, our nieces, nephews and beyond.

I hope you find the poem of today helpful and maybe even educational. ♥️

Broken Chains

Just as my family before me, 

I’m broken in so many ways, 

And just like their past did to them, 

They shared the pain away.

.

They may seem strong,

They may seem fixed, 

But underneath

Is what made me sick.

.

See – mental health isn’t simple, 

It’s not easy to understand.

But trauma from another life, 

Travels through to another land.

.

It’s not intentional,

It really rarely is, 

But the pain they felt, 

Will now be hers and his.

.

Passed through generations, 

Until one of them will crack, 

And open up and fix the pain, 

And never let it back.

.

I took upon my shoulders, 

Pain I never knew was there.

Then mixed with trauma I had too, 

It left me alone with no care.

.

And now the trauma is passing,

But I don’t think I’ve solved it all. 

And looking deep in my children’s eyes,

I still see my loved ones fall.

.

So, I will work, with all I have, 

To beat this pain we all own. 

One day our children will be free,

And home will feel like home.

.

Fromtheheart © 

3rd September 2021

Borderline Personality Disorder and ….. emotions (!!)

This is a quick blog entry, mainly because I think it’s important that we do discuss the differences that we, with BPD have, and maybe even celebrate them a little. 🎉

I think it’s something to do with having Borderline Personality Disorder, but there are times in my life where I’ve struggled to not cry and then there are times like right now, where, I’ve got so much to cry about, I feel like I’m getting awful news on a weekly basis, but I can’t cry. I’ve welled up a little at times but then it’s gone. 

It’s almost like when things are seeming out of my control, which they definitely are at the moment, I just stop. I stop all emotion, I put up a wall inside my mind and somehow just carry on. 

It’s difficult for a lot of people to understand, but I think when you’ve suffered trauma on differing levels right from childhood, the way you cope is often slightly (or majorly) different from how others cope. 

Sometimes I feel like I’m ‘normal’ or ‘typical’ but then other times I totally understand why I have the diagnosis I do, and why I need the help and medication I have.

.

Emotion

And just like that, I get told some news, 

And all around me people are in tears. 

Yet my mind isn’t built the same as yours,

It doesn’t even, have the same fears.

.

It’s not like I care any less,

Than those breaking in front of me now, 

I care so much and so deeply too

That I break, from the inside out.

.

So tears, that for others, start straight away, 

Are hours, days and weeks from my face,

I feel the sadness, shock and pain you feel, 

But to cry, I need to give myself space.

.

And that’s ok. That that happens to me. 

It’s ok that I’m not the same as you. 

What’s never ok, I mean never ok, 

Is to treat me as though I’m not true.

.

I’ll cope in my ways, 

I’ll cry in my time. 

I’ll deal with the news, 

I bide my own time.

.

So that’s one thing different,

about me, you now know.

I hope it helps you realise 

Not all our differences show.

.

I may not cry on cue,

And that really is ok. 

I have many points that people find odd,

But if you need me, I will sure stay.

.

1st September 2021

The ticking clock of life

We don’t often talk about it, but we are all living life with an invisible ticking clock counting down our minutes, hours and days until our life is over.

If we knew when that moment would be, do you think it would change us? Do you think we’d do more?

It’s one of those conversations that if you have managed to have with someone already it probably ended up with neither of you knowing whether to know the date your life is up would be a good or a bad thing.

Luckily we don’t get to choose to know anyway, so the unknown is how it is.

But how does that sit with you? Will you ever be ready to see the end of your life? Can you tell when someone is nearing the end of their lives before being told by a professional? Do you get premonitions?

It’s a conversation I could talk about for hours but I’ll leave it there with a poem and hopefully leaving you with some helpful thoughts to start thinking about. ♥️

The Ending

The feeling of impending doom, 

Is a difficult one to bear. 

One day everything is as it seems

Then along comes emergency care.

.

One day you’re happy, laughing with friends, 

Not realising your clock is ticking. 

If only we knew when our time was up, 

We’d all have bucket lists for checking.

.

The reality is, no one sees…

No one sees it coming. 

And as the clock strikes for you, 

No one was ready for the ending.

.

So take each day and run with it. 

Treat it like it’s your last, 

Yes, this cliche is very old, 

But we should learn from the past.

.

Life is short, we’re told so often, 

And believe me, that is true.

So live your dreams, love all you can, 

Your life… it’s all there for you.

.

Fromtheheart

Because you loved me…

Most of us have that one person, right? The one who we feel we owe so much to. The one we aspire to be like. The one we look up to.

Well, this is a poem about my ‘person’. Someone who I will always have in my heart, no matter how far apart we are.

Never forget, to tell your person(s) what you think of them and how much they mean to you. Tomorrow is never promised.

Because you loved me…

You’ve been a huge part of everything 

You’ve been a huge part of me

And all that you are now

Is all I hope to be.

.

I’ve always looked up to you, 

Felt pride in who you are,

And changed my life to be like you

Although I’m still so far!

.

See, I’ll never be the same as you

Of course, I already knew that 

Because, who could ever match you,

There’s one you, and that’s that.

.

People often comment, on how alike we are

And I beam with smiles and pride.

You’ve always been my inspiration 

I hope you’ll always be by my side.

.

Whether you’re with me or not

I hold a special place in my heart

It’s always had your name on it, 

And then it feel like we’re never apart.

.

One day we might we worlds away, 

Yet I know you won’t ever leave

Because, to me, you’re everything. 

I love you more than you believe.

.

You showed me love when no one else did, 

You proved to me life is worth living, 

It’s all for you, that I’m still here

You’ve shown me more than all other women.

.

So, thank you for the love you shared,

It turned my cold heart warm, 

I’ll never leave you, never replace you.

From each dusk until each dawn.

.

Fromtheheart 

7th August 2021

Tears filling up….

In my personal life I’ve been going through a lot recently. Some days it feels like theres one lot of bad news after another. I know there are good moments in between, but it’s hard to see those when the tough moments are just so painful.

For anyone struggling, with anything. You are loved. You are wanted. Never forget. Even if you don’t feel it right now, the reason for that is that the pain and sadness has taken over a little and it’s stopping you from seeing the good things right now. But they are there. No one in this world is unloved by everyone.

Tears

Tears fill up your weary eyes,

Full of emotion inside. 

Fears fill up your tired soul, 

It’s not easy to put them aside.

.

I see it in your eyes, 

I see it in your face, 

The pain of every day, 

Is breaking into every space.

.

I hear it in your voice, 

That it’s not long until you break, 

No one can go forever, 

Hiding tears and being fake.

.

It takes all of your energy, 

To hide all that you feel. 

You worry no one can handle it, 

But no one wants to see you ill.

.

I wish I could help in some small way, 

I’d wipe your tears one by one, 

Because, no one deserves to feel this way.

To feel like you’re a burden.

.

You are loved. You are wanted. 

Even if, by only me.

You are treasured. You are cared for. 

Please don’t ever leave.

.

Fromtheheart ©

20th August 2021

Life and Death

Most of us have experienced watching the beginning of life emerge, whether it be during the birth of a baby or visiting soon after.

Most of us have also experienced watching the end of life too. Whether it be that you were there as those final breaths were taken or whether you grieved for a loved one lost.

Both segments of life come with huge emotion. Both segments of life come with positive and negative emotions.

For example- at the start of life, during pregnancy where loss can be experienced and upsetting news is often delivered. Then during birth, there are many complications that can happen. Almost all of which are forgotten once you have a healthy, breathing, moving and living baby in your arms.

At the end of life, some of our loved ones have suffered pain or anxiety or conditions that took them away from us before they passed away. Sometimes death can be a release for the loved one, and a relief for you, knowing that the pain has ended. This of course, is then often followed by immense grief , heartache and even physical pain whilst experiencing the death of a loved one.

I have lost many people in my life, of all different ages, from babies and toddlers to adults and elderly adults.

Right now, I’m dealing with the decline of an elderly member of my family. They are the one I’m closest to out of all of them, the one that always includes me when other family members forget. I can sense the end for this loved one is near and I’m silently heartbroken already. It’s the mind and body’s way of starting to prepare for something you know will change many things. But it’s something that no matter what I do, I can’t change the outcome or even make it any less painful. We try. We all try our best but in reality… the one sure thing we will all experience is our own death.

.

Life and Death

Sometimes we can sense the beginning 

Just like we can sense the end. 

Sometimes, just when we’re settled 

Life lays down our road with a bend.

.

Sensing things is tough enough, 

You need to trust yourself, 

But I can sense this pain draw near 

And grief is revealing itself.

.

I wish so much, that I am wrong. 

For this I hope and pray. 

Because this world I live in, 

Would be nothing if you can’t stay.

.

I know the reality of the world we live, 

I know the only sure thing is death. 

But you never want it to be your loved ones 

You never want them to take their last breath.

.

I’m older, yes. I’m wiser now too. 

I’ve felt the pain of grief. 

I also know how it breaks you,

You get left where you can’t even speak.

.

I just don’t want to lose you, 

The thought of it really breaks me. 

I just don’t want to ever let you go, 

You mean the world and more to me.

.

Fromtheheart © 💔❤️‍🩹

25th July 2021

Labelled emotionally unstable…

I’ve written about being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder here before. Some of you may know that that name has been replaced with a new one. They’re not callling it BPD anymore they call it EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder). When I first heard this and to be honest even now I find it a difficult name change. If you have this you are aware that being emotionally unstable is part of this diagnosis, but it is not the whole diagnosis. I wonder what the ‘general public’ would think or how they would describe the 2 names. Would you think they were similar or the same condition or does one scream louder than the other, if so I’d love to know more.

We will all have our own opinions on this and that’s fine, I’m not here to change peoples minds or anything like that.

I’ve written a lot of poetry about having BPD, and have share quite a few of them, here’s my latest one …

(Also if you want me to write a poem about something close to you, message me and let me know your story and I’ll do my best to help).

.

Borderline or Emotionally Unstable?!

It’s not easy to explain, 

What living with this is like. 

It’s not easy to understand 

How we go from wrong to right.

.

Stuck in one moment in time, 

Watching TV but staring straight through.

Holding conversations 

What about? You’ve no clue.

.

Borderline sufferers live each day 

With concentration harder than ever, 

Our minds wonder what could have been 

Or what should be with us forever.

.

Our black and white thinking is tough, 

We know we’re different to you. 

At times, we’ve all dealt with bullying, 

And we question if that hate speech is true.

.

We blame ourselves for everything, 

We always feel that we’re in your way. 

We’d give the last breath in our bodies, 

We hope and dream and pray.

.

Most of us have suffered with trauma, 

As an adult or a child, 

We try each day to get through safe. 

But our minds are forever wild.

.

I’m sorry if you’ve seen us hurting,

Or you feel we’re a burden on you.

It’s nothing we haven’t felt before. 

We’re borderline, and speak our truth.

.

Fromtheheart ©

15/07/2021

Illness, however big, however small.

Illness is something all of us have to handle at least once in our lives, but the majority of us suffer often or even regularly, and some never feel well.

We are all fighting our own battles. They come in the form of physical and emotional/ mental illness as well as all the feelings that run alongside illness.

One person who is suffering with a terminal illness may deal with (or at least seem to deal with) their diagnosis and prognosis a lot better than someone who is suffering with a chronic pain condition for example. And equally someone who doesn’t deal with illness often may struggle with what some would call a ‘normal’ illness like a cold or virus. The fact is, we are all built different, and someone’s diagnosis, whatever it is, should not allow people to assume what they will feel.

No matter what your loved ones are currently (or in the future) suffering with always ask them how they feel. Never assume that a cancer patient will be depressed or a person with a cold/virus should feel fine and get back to daily life. Ask. And more importantly listen.

And finally… whatever you are personally dealing with right now, I hope that you are finding moments of peace and happiness, even if those moments may feel short lived right now.

.

Illness

When you’re dealing with an illness, 

Long term or not, 

You start to question everything, 

How, why, where and what??

.

You test yourself and your body. 

You become your own investigator, 

No one will know more about your illness

You will learn and be the instigator.

.

You research and research,

But don’t know what to expect. 

There’s more questions than answers, 

In each piece of knowledge you accept.

.

Research is good, important too. 

But it may not solve your issues, 

Instead take time and learn the new you, 

Talk, shout and cry- bring tissues (!)

.

It feels unfair, it probably is. 

But you’re sent this battle to live with. 

So fight you must, with all you have. 

As though your life depends on it.

.

And if ever you get to the end of your days, 

And knowledge brings all of the power. 

Be grateful for each and every day. 

Some never even get the chance to flower.

.

The pain may engross you, 

The worries may consume you. 

The knowledge will empower you, 

Your life is yours to power through.

.

Know that even people you don’t know,

Are hoping for your life to be inspirational, 

The ones you love and hold so dear, 

Know that you… you are irreplaceable.

.

Fromtheheart © ♥️

14th July 2021

Replaceable…

I don’t blog a lot because I’d rather have fewer relevant and relatable posts than many posts that aren’t relatable to anyone.

If there’s something you want me to write about then please do ask. I do this happily for free and may post the poem written, on here, so as long as you’re ok with that then I’m happy to help.

Being replaceable is something no one wants to be. Sometimes you feel it after a messy break up with a partner or spouse. Sometimes you feel it after an argument with a friend.

Imagine being made to feel replaceable by your own mother.

I’m sure some of you have had this, or similar experiences, and for any of you that have been through, or are currently going through this, please read this following poem. It may just help you.

.

Replaceable

I thought I meant something to you 

Many years ago. 

When I looked you in the eyes 

And begged you not to go.

.

I was told I’d always be special to you, 

They say, the first born is different, 

But to you, I’m just replaceable 

By another couple of children.

.

After begging you for hours 

Not to leave my side, 

You drove me to a family member 

And left while I just cried.

.

Now I’m grown, I’ve learned a lot, 

And I know I’m nothing to you, 

But even now I close my eyes 

And wonder how to change what you do.

.

I wonder if I could’ve helped you,

Or should I try harder to prove my worth. 

Then I remember you left your child, 

The child that you first birthed.

.

And since that day … nothing.

No calls or cards or love,

Until when our loved one passed, 

And left for peace in heaven above.

.

Now I knew, that I was replaceable,

I’d learned that, long ago, 

But now I’m an adult, you’ve nothing to do, 

But you’d still rather see me go.

.

So, I turned my back, and walked on out,

Half hoping you’d stop me then. 

I left and swore never to let you in now, 

I’ll never, let me, be replaceable again.

.

Fromtheheart 

15/06/2021

Make a day free for them…

We are all busy people. In our own rights, in our own ways. But sometimes, sometimes it makes more sense to stop for a while and make a day free for those people you call your loved ones.

Your loved ones can only be exactly that, if you have love, show love and share love with them.

As humans, we often learn the ‘hard way’. Through losing many people in my life I’ve learned that each day is never promised, but you can promise to love each day.

Those people who you say saved you, on your darkest days. Those people you say loved you through times where you felt unable to love. Those people who would give up anything to make you happy…

It’s time to start giving up things for them.

Rather than in your time off work/school/daily life, you sit and binge watch a box set on the TV, or you plan a day in the garden or a day of housework. Stop.

Would that same day, be better used, visiting those that you love? Could you make your loved ones, feel like Kings and Queens for the day instead? Is making memories more important to you than gardening or housework? In most cases the answer is yes.

If this is you, if this post reaches out to you and resonates with you and your life. Stop. And plan that day. Make those memories and make someone else smile.

.

A day together

A day together 

Just you and me.

A day with just us

No other family.

.

A day we’ll always treasure,

And where memories are made. 

A day we share in all the joy 

A day that never will never fade.

.

A day we chat,

and smile and laugh

And the next day we’re shattered (!),

It’s today’s aftermath.

.

These days I will treasure

As long as I’m alive, 

My closest family member 

And often the reason I survived.

.

A day I make you Queen, 

For the whole day through.

The day I ask your dreams 

And try to make them true.

.

Our connection never fails, 

I’m yours and you are mine. 

Forever, sharing more than genes, 

Until the end of time.

.

So let’s enjoy this day together, 

Like no other days will happen. 

We’ll laugh, and joke and chat away, 

For tomorrow we’ll be napping!

.

I’m grateful to the world for you, 

I’m grateful for these days.

I’m grateful for all you do for me. 

I’m grateful in endless ways.

.

8th June 2021

Fromtheheart

Angels …

Everyone has different beliefs to do with what happens when we die. I like to think you can still watch over your loved ones and send subtle messages so they know that you’re around.

I like to think that all the deaths I’ve seen and ones I’ve loved, haven’t been in vain, because now they can see me from above.

I’ve lost people to old age, to heart attacks to suicide and unknown causes. None of these deaths ever felt completely final. I always felt they were still here. So… I wrote a poem about it. I hope you like it.

Take care ♥️

.

Angels

Do you ever feel angels

walking beside you?  

And do you ever stop 

and say a word or two?

.

Do you feel protected 

But don’t see why or how 

Do you feel a warm glow 

When you’re feeling down?

.

Do you have an Angel 

That’s left this earthly world? 

Whenever you feel danger 

Do you also feel the surge?

.

If you stop and talk to them, 

They can hear your every word. 

If you ask for help from them, 

They’ll help with all they heard.

.

So if you feel an Angel, 

Around you day and night, 

You need never to feel lonely, 

Or sad or even fright.

.

You are being looked after 

By the ones you’ve loved before. 

And if you open up to them

They’ll prove what they’re here for.

.

Fromtheheart 

31st May 2021

The cycle… and how to break it…

Abuse is a cycle. 

It goes from parents to children. Often the children then grow up and do the same/similar to their children because they have never been taught another way. Or they can become so affected by the abuse they suffered, that they are not ‘available’ for their children, which equally carries on a cycle of pain. It’s not always this way, but it’s this way a lot.

The trick is to break the cycle.

It sounds so easy to stop the cycle of abuse, but it isn’t. It requires a lot of therapy and a huge amount of wanting to stop the cycle. If you don’t want it enough, it just won’t happen.

You have to remember what it felt like, to be a child in the situation you were in. Remember how it felt to feel unloved and in turn unloveable. When you’re faced with those memories again, it can make us step up and make the change to make sure it never happens again.

I know how hard it is, because I’ve been there. 

I’ve been the abused child, I’ve been the child desperate for help and never getting it. I’ve been the child that just wanted someone to love me, yet at the same time I felt so unlovable that I pushed anyone away that tried, because I was so scared of being hurt again.

If this resonates with you, it may be worth revisiting some of that pain before you have children to remind yourself of what you’ve been through to get to where you are now. You’re a fighter, you’re alive and you have the ability to make sure your children don’t feel what you felt. 

Please do this revisiting of the past safely and in an environment that you feel safe in. It’s not as easy as just plucking a memory out. 

If this is you, I wish you all the luck in the world. I am only a message away for anyone that feels they could do with a little more (unprofessional) guidance. 

Please be aware, I am not a trained therapist, I am purely a parent, that has been through many different forms of therapy to help myself to become, the best version of me, that I can.

.

Getting free of the cycle

Just because you hit, doesn’t mean I will.

Because you screamed, doesn’t mean I will.

Because you hated, doesn’t mean I will.

Because you abused, it doesn’t mean I will.

.

Because you showed anger, it doesn’t mean I do

Because you had no love, it doesn’t mean I don’t,

Because you ridiculed doesn’t mean I do.

Because you couldn’t hug, it doesn’t mean I won’t.

.

If you had bad parents, I’m sorry,

But don’t become the same as them.

Because you know, how it felt, as a child.

So you should be changing your end.

.

Turn, and be the one, your child needs,

Don’t grow and be like them.

Show your children, the way to love,

Stop this cycle of men hurting men.

.

Because you have a child, show them love, 

Because you have love, show them peace, 

Because you have peace, show them the way, 

Because you’ve seen the way, the cycles in disarray.

.

Cancel your plans, to carry on the hatred,

Cancel your plans, to carry on the hurt.

Cancel your plans, to carry on the pain.

Be kind, be loving and put your children first.

.

Fromtheheart 

27th May 2021

Personality disorders…

They’re one of life’s mysteries. How we get these disorders, how best to treat them etc. In truth most doctors/ psychiatrists have different opinions on both of those things. This makes recovery even more difficult because medical professionals tell you one thing then another professional says the complete opposite, creating a fear of the unknown inside us.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (often now referred to as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, EUPD) when I was in my late teens. I was destructive (only to myself) constantly.

It really is an awful condition to live with, no matter how much therapy you’ve been through. I’ve spent years in different therapies, including- group therapy, about 4 separate times of individual one-to-one counselling. I’ve also had art therapy, colour light therapy, massage therapy, CBT and more.

Has it helped? Yes. Yes it absolutely has.

Am I cured? No. I still struggle daily with mental health issues. I’m am more prone to depression, I have insomnia (which helps no one) but I’m able to be a good parent and wife and that’s the main thing to me. Of course I’m not always perfect- no one is, but I’ve learned how to control some of my emotions and release them at a time to suit me. This helped a lot, and minimised the risk of upsetting other people as well as myself.

This poem is a piece of my life story, told by me (written a few years ago now though) and if it helps one person not feel alone or ‘mad’ anymore then I’ll be over the moon.

We need to support each other. We need to be kind.

.

How it feels to be Borderline

Having this disorder 

Destroys my very soul 

Inside and outside 

It takes me as a whole.

.

Understanding it is difficult 

Yes I really do understand 

But it just means that I am left here 

Wishing someone would hold my hand.

.

I feel everything more deeply 

Words and feelings too 

I can’t explain the depth of this 

To someone else like you.

.

I wish I wasn’t quite like this 

I wish I wasn’t me 

I wish I didn’t think like this 

I wish I just could flee.

.

Flee from myself 

My inner torture and pain 

The inner voice that drives my mind

And makes me feel insane.

.

Having this disorder 

Destroys me as a whole 

Inside and outside 

It takes my very soul.

.

Fromtheheart

Written in 2018

Never give up on you…

There are many things I haven’t talked about over the years of having this blog. There are many things I want to talk about. I believe when the time feels right that’s when I speak. I

t takes a lot to speak up. I’ve spent a lot of my life being controlled. The last 10 years however I’ve changed that. I’ve stopped being controlled by anyone, and I’ve started living how I want to live.

But… anyone that’s been controlled will understand that however many years it went on for, however long ago it was, there are still times it haunts you. Times where you wish that this wasn’t your past. Times you wish you’d stood up for yourself.

I want to talk about this to help others, so if this resonates with you, please hear me out.

You are loved. You are worthy. You can decide what happens in your life. You can get yourself free. You can be happy.

I wish I was told those things. I wish I didn’t lose myself, but in loosing myself I also found myself again. Now… I’m happy, I’m healthy and I’m living a life as best as I can. If you need to reach out, please google for help, search your area for refuges, search your area for help. It is out there.

Don’t forget, in order to rise again we must sometimes hit the lowest point in our lives. When you rise again, you will realise just how strong you are.

Most of all, good luck.

.

Regrets…

There are times I wish I’d done more, 

Times where I wish I’d spoken my mind.

There are times I wish I’d tried more, 

And worried less about being kind.

.

There are times I’ve stood up for people, 

Who really didn’t deserve it at all. 

There are times I wish I hadn’t. 

But it won’t change it or stop the fall.

.

There are times I’ve done more than asked,

Times I’ve put myself out, for nothing. 

There are times I look back and wish I knew 

That to you- I meant less than a win.

.

There are times I look back, full of regret. 

But let’s face it- what does that do? 

It makes me bitter about all I’ve done. 

When I meant nothing to you.

.

As I’ve matured I’ve seen your ways, 

I trust less, but I’m always kind. 

I will never be treated like that again, 

You will never again control my mind.

.

There are times I look back at the loss of me, 

Times that I wish had never happened.

But each journey shapes us more and more, 

And now I’ve moved on and I am happy.

.

Fromtheheart 

27th May 2021

I didn’t have a good mum….

The title of this piece says it all. “I didn’t have a good mum”. That’s it. It’s so simple to say but there is nothing simple about the reality of having a mother that cannot parent.

I never remember a time I felt loved. I never remember a time I felt ok in my own skin, in my own body, even in my own face. I started to hate myself inside and out from a very young age. An age that my children now are at. I’ve struggled for years to be the parent I want my children to have, but sometimes I won’t lie I wish I didn’t have any children so that I couldn’t hurt them. I haven’t deliberately ever hurt them, physically or emotionally of course, but I know that just the fact that I haven’t been shown how to parent will have made its Mark somehow on my children. How?! Maybe I’ll never know. Of course, there’s the other option that maybe they haven’t struggled having me as a mother, and that I’m just making things worse in my head by assuming I hurt people just by being me. Either way, it’s down to the parenting I endured and I am trying to fix that.

The only reason I’m the parent I am is because I have gone through years of therapy, years of pain and tears, years of wanting to give up because I didn’t think I could do it. Years of feelings like a failure for errors we all make. I’m hard on myself. I know that. So here’s a little insight into how I feel about my own mother, and how I hope and pray that my children will never feel about me.

.

Talking to you

I’d like to chat with you again, 

I’ve got so much to say, 

I’d love to hear what makes you tick, 

And why you were that way.

.

The words I’d speak, I’ve planned before

Yet I know I’ll never speak. 

Although I am your daughter, 

There’s nothing of me you keep.

.

Ever since I can remember, 

Ever since I was young. 

I remember the hatred, 

And the anger that you flung.

.

I always looked to you, 

For love and care- that’s all, 

But all that I got from you each time,

Was nothing but a brick wall.

.

I may be your daughter, 

I may be your eldest child, 

But I felt that hate, you owned for me

You never looked at me and smiled.

.

The only time you laughed, 

Was when you laughed at me. 

You created this, inside my head, 

You helped create my personality.

.

For years I’ve been in therapy, 

To counter what you did. 

Some things will scar forever, 

How could you abuse your own kid?

.

I’ve got children of my own now, 

Your parenting made me struggle, 

I want to be the best I can, 

But scars inside -I still juggle.

.

I know you’ll never talk to me, 

I know I’ll never again call you Mum,

But, you took more, than just my life, 

You took, all I could have become.

.

Fromtheheart 

21st May 2021

A message to my children…

This needs no introduction today, but if it’s ever found, this poem is for my children.

.

One day in the future,

when I tell you about my life

I hope it’s because you’ve grown.

And missed out on every strife.

.

I hope that you’re happy inside and out, 

I hope you smile more than you cry. 

Hunt for treasures buried round the world 

I hope you hear the whole truth before the lie.

.

I wish for you- a life of peace, 

A life of joy and little pain. 

The mistakes you make, just help you learn 

To dance in all of life’s fresh rain.

.

Oh, there’ll be times, you want to hide, 

And times, you wish you’d tried a little more, 

But through these times, look inside your heart, 

You’ll find so much more to love and adore.

.

Share the happiness you find and create

But don’t hand it out to just anyone. 

Be careful who you love and trust, 

And always seek the joy and fun.

.

I wish your life, will be how you want, 

I wish your journeys are what you plan. 

I wish you life be full of love, 

And you’ll share it when you take their hand.

.

Be humble, patient, forgiving and kind, 

But never fall at anyone’s feet. 

In life I hope you learn this truth, 

That sometimes, we’re all incomplete.

.

Hold your feelings in, always talk them out, 

Never scream, and never shout. 

I may not have taught you, all of this well, 

But I wish you happiness without a single doubt.

.

I love you dearly, and as long as I’m alive, 

My love will be with you all the time. 

And when I’m gone, still talk to me, 

And in response, I’ll send a clear sign.

.

I’ll be proud of you, because I know you’ll try, 

I’ll always see you little, with that twinkle in your eye, 

I know that you are growing, but it doesn’t change my love, 

Be smart, be brave, be social, and always share your love. ♥️

.

Fromtheheart ©

15th May 2021

Healing…

Healing…It’s a word that stirs up emotions for probably 95% of us. 

There’s healing from physical / medical issues you’ve experienced.

Healing from emotional trauma that’s happened either to you or with you.

There’s also complete body and soul healing- it may not be from something specific, and/or most likely to be a great number of things you’ve experienced in your life before. You may have just reached a point in your life where you stop for a little while and reflect on the experiences that have helped create the wonderful person you are now. And you are wonderful. You are alive, breathing air and living your life as best as you can. We all are. 

Healing can also be really effective from strangers. You may have worried your whole life that you have a wonky nose or it’s not the shape you want, one day someone comes into contact with you and expresses their love for that element of you that you’ve taught yourself to despise. All of a sudden you rethink your original thoughts that have been plaguing you for years, you look in a mirror differently to how you’ve ever looked before and you start to see the beauty that firstly, shines from within and secondly, shines from the outer you.

Healing

Healing isn’t just a word 

tossed about for fun, 

It’s a show of strength, a show of love 

And of what you have become.

.

It’s a realisation from deep within,

You realise you’re not always right, 

And maybe your loved one 

Saw right through to that light.

.

It’s healing from pain, 

both inside the heart and out 

It’s healing for all of us, 

Even if we’re in doubt.

.

Healing has happened to you 

without you even knowing 

It’s built you up stronger 

It’s helped you keep growing.

.

Healing doesn’t always cure 

But that doesn’t mean it’s pointless 

The way you’ve healed has made you -you, 

And there’s a beauty there- regardless.

.

Healing is progressive

and takes you through life.

And when healing happens,

You feel the power, in it’s paradise.

.

So go free now, and share the love, 

Share kindness and the healing will arrive. 

Healings not the same for all of us, 

Your healing is there, all the time you’re alive.

.

Fromtheheart 

12th May 2021

Facing my operation date…

I’m not always super open with things that go on in my life, at least not the finer details anyway, but thinking about it, I believe that being open with this part of my life, could help more people than I realise. Even if it helps one person then it’s a good thing.

So, I’m having an operation this week.

It should be just a day case. Then up to 8 weeks recovery. As like most people facing operations my mind sometimes thinks over the day itself and I start to worry about the bigger things and the smaller, more insignificant things.

I’ve realised while I’ve been worrying that although it’s a completely natural feeling I need to think more rationally.

Yes, operations come with risks.

Yes, there’s a chance it might even not work.

But… is worrying going to change that? I’ve decided not. So, instead I’ve written down any worries and questions so that I can ask when I get there and decided to look forward to recovering.

I’ve been waiting a long time for this operation. I’ve probably needed it for over 10 years, but I’ve been on the waiting list for about 5 years. What with the pandemic it’s pushed it all further back so waiting extra time is something that most of us are doing right now.

I’m just grateful it’s my turn. And I know I need to be grateful for that.

So if you have an operation coming up too, or any medical procedure I hope this is helpful and relatable, and …Good luck.

The countdown

I’m counting down the days 

Now that fear is setting in. 

An operation on the horizon,

And then a new life will begin.

.

It’s an operation I’ve been waiting for 

Patiently for many years 

Now it’s edging closer 

I’m getting ready to face the fears.

.

The worries I have, the hopes it’ll work, 

The thoughts racing through my mind. 

I put my future in the surgeons hands 

And hope and pray for a new life.

.

Where there’s no more pain from there, 

Where I can join in with much more. 

I’m hoping this operation 

Will start opening many doors.

.

So, I will be brave and get this done, 

Sign away the struggles I’ve faced. 

When this is over and recovery is done, 

A new life I will embrace.

.

Where my family worry that little bit less, 

Where I don’t have to sit on the side lines. 

I’m hoping a new life will start for me. 

And the past stays securely behind.

.

The surgeons they do this everyday, 

And although I struggle with trust, 

This is a day I need to face those fears 

And trust the surgeons is a huge must.

.

Fromtheheart 

10th May 2021

Anniversaries….

If you say anniversary, most people think of weddings. But there are other anniversaries that come along with huge emotion. Those are the dates that we lost a loved one or the dates something awful happened to us.

Sometimes I think that anniversaries for weddings and anniversaries for deaths should have separate names, but then if you think about it, love and grief go side by side. If you’ve never loved you’ll never grieve.

They’re all days full of huge emotion. Days we like to be a certain way. Days we allow ourselves to step out of our day to day lives, stop for a minute, breathe and feel the emotions that come with anniversaries.

Very recently I’ve experienced an anniversary of the death of a loved one. I’d like to share how I felt about the day and maybe you can find something inside the poem that you can relate to as well.

Take care of yourselves… and each other.

Three years ago today

It’s been three years now, 

it’s hard to believe –

you’ve not been here with us 

Your face- we’ve not seen.

.

It’s been tough at times,

it’s not been easy, 

It feels like forever 

Since you breathed so free.

.

But in each little corner, 

Are signs from you, 

That even your spirit 

Still carries us through.

.

The feathers from Heaven, 

The robins that come close, 

The love we feel inside us 

When we talk of you the most.

.

The closeness you’re creating 

In our family, 

Is one we can never thank you for, 

Because it’s set us free.

.

Free- to believe, you’re always here, 

And always looking down with pleasure 

The joy you send us, with the memories 

Of the days full of laughter we all treasure.

.

I didn’t know you for long enough, 

But I know I didn’t miss out,

For now are the days you’re here with us, 

It’s a pleasure to know you’re about.

.

Keep shining down on your loved ones,

Keep sending all the laughs, 

I know it’s you and I thank you,

From the bottom of my heart.

.

3 years it’s been without you now,

But it could’ve been days or decades, 

If anyone met you just for a minute 

They’d have a joy in every place.

.

Fromtheheart