Replaceable…

I don’t blog a lot because I’d rather have fewer relevant and relatable posts than many posts that aren’t relatable to anyone.

If there’s something you want me to write about then please do ask. I do this happily for free and may post the poem written, on here, so as long as you’re ok with that then I’m happy to help.

Being replaceable is something no one wants to be. Sometimes you feel it after a messy break up with a partner or spouse. Sometimes you feel it after an argument with a friend.

Imagine being made to feel replaceable by your own mother.

I’m sure some of you have had this, or similar experiences, and for any of you that have been through, or are currently going through this, please read this following poem. It may just help you.

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Replaceable

I thought I meant something to you 

Many years ago. 

When I looked you in the eyes 

And begged you not to go.

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I was told I’d always be special to you, 

They say, the first born is different, 

But to you, I’m just replaceable 

By another couple of children.

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After begging you for hours 

Not to leave my side, 

You drove me to a family member 

And left while I just cried.

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Now I’m grown, I’ve learned a lot, 

And I know I’m nothing to you, 

But even now I close my eyes 

And wonder how to change what you do.

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I wonder if I could’ve helped you,

Or should I try harder to prove my worth. 

Then I remember you left your child, 

The child that you first birthed.

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And since that day … nothing.

No calls or cards or love,

Until when our loved one passed, 

And left for peace in heaven above.

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Now I knew, that I was replaceable,

I’d learned that, long ago, 

But now I’m an adult, you’ve nothing to do, 

But you’d still rather see me go.

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So, I turned my back, and walked on out,

Half hoping you’d stop me then. 

I left and swore never to let you in now, 

I’ll never, let me, be replaceable again.

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Fromtheheart 

15/06/2021

Make a day free for them…

We are all busy people. In our own rights, in our own ways. But sometimes, sometimes it makes more sense to stop for a while and make a day free for those people you call your loved ones.

Your loved ones can only be exactly that, if you have love, show love and share love with them.

As humans, we often learn the ‘hard way’. Through losing many people in my life I’ve learned that each day is never promised, but you can promise to love each day.

Those people who you say saved you, on your darkest days. Those people you say loved you through times where you felt unable to love. Those people who would give up anything to make you happy…

It’s time to start giving up things for them.

Rather than in your time off work/school/daily life, you sit and binge watch a box set on the TV, or you plan a day in the garden or a day of housework. Stop.

Would that same day, be better used, visiting those that you love? Could you make your loved ones, feel like Kings and Queens for the day instead? Is making memories more important to you than gardening or housework? In most cases the answer is yes.

If this is you, if this post reaches out to you and resonates with you and your life. Stop. And plan that day. Make those memories and make someone else smile.

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A day together

A day together 

Just you and me.

A day with just us

No other family.

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A day we’ll always treasure,

And where memories are made. 

A day we share in all the joy 

A day that never will never fade.

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A day we chat,

and smile and laugh

And the next day we’re shattered (!),

It’s today’s aftermath.

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These days I will treasure

As long as I’m alive, 

My closest family member 

And often the reason I survived.

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A day I make you Queen, 

For the whole day through.

The day I ask your dreams 

And try to make them true.

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Our connection never fails, 

I’m yours and you are mine. 

Forever, sharing more than genes, 

Until the end of time.

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So let’s enjoy this day together, 

Like no other days will happen. 

We’ll laugh, and joke and chat away, 

For tomorrow we’ll be napping!

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I’m grateful to the world for you, 

I’m grateful for these days.

I’m grateful for all you do for me. 

I’m grateful in endless ways.

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8th June 2021

Fromtheheart

Angels …

Everyone has different beliefs to do with what happens when we die. I like to think you can still watch over your loved ones and send subtle messages so they know that you’re around.

I like to think that all the deaths I’ve seen and ones I’ve loved, haven’t been in vain, because now they can see me from above.

I’ve lost people to old age, to heart attacks to suicide and unknown causes. None of these deaths ever felt completely final. I always felt they were still here. So… I wrote a poem about it. I hope you like it.

Take care ♥️

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Angels

Do you ever feel angels

walking beside you?  

And do you ever stop 

and say a word or two?

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Do you feel protected 

But don’t see why or how 

Do you feel a warm glow 

When you’re feeling down?

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Do you have an Angel 

That’s left this earthly world? 

Whenever you feel danger 

Do you also feel the surge?

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If you stop and talk to them, 

They can hear your every word. 

If you ask for help from them, 

They’ll help with all they heard.

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So if you feel an Angel, 

Around you day and night, 

You need never to feel lonely, 

Or sad or even fright.

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You are being looked after 

By the ones you’ve loved before. 

And if you open up to them

They’ll prove what they’re here for.

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Fromtheheart 

31st May 2021

The cycle… and how to break it…

Abuse is a cycle. 

It goes from parents to children. Often the children then grow up and do the same/similar to their children because they have never been taught another way. Or they can become so affected by the abuse they suffered, that they are not ‘available’ for their children, which equally carries on a cycle of pain. It’s not always this way, but it’s this way a lot.

The trick is to break the cycle.

It sounds so easy to stop the cycle of abuse, but it isn’t. It requires a lot of therapy and a huge amount of wanting to stop the cycle. If you don’t want it enough, it just won’t happen.

You have to remember what it felt like, to be a child in the situation you were in. Remember how it felt to feel unloved and in turn unloveable. When you’re faced with those memories again, it can make us step up and make the change to make sure it never happens again.

I know how hard it is, because I’ve been there. 

I’ve been the abused child, I’ve been the child desperate for help and never getting it. I’ve been the child that just wanted someone to love me, yet at the same time I felt so unlovable that I pushed anyone away that tried, because I was so scared of being hurt again.

If this resonates with you, it may be worth revisiting some of that pain before you have children to remind yourself of what you’ve been through to get to where you are now. You’re a fighter, you’re alive and you have the ability to make sure your children don’t feel what you felt. 

Please do this revisiting of the past safely and in an environment that you feel safe in. It’s not as easy as just plucking a memory out. 

If this is you, I wish you all the luck in the world. I am only a message away for anyone that feels they could do with a little more (unprofessional) guidance. 

Please be aware, I am not a trained therapist, I am purely a parent, that has been through many different forms of therapy to help myself to become, the best version of me, that I can.

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Getting free of the cycle

Just because you hit, doesn’t mean I will.

Because you screamed, doesn’t mean I will.

Because you hated, doesn’t mean I will.

Because you abused, it doesn’t mean I will.

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Because you showed anger, it doesn’t mean I do

Because you had no love, it doesn’t mean I don’t,

Because you ridiculed doesn’t mean I do.

Because you couldn’t hug, it doesn’t mean I won’t.

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If you had bad parents, I’m sorry,

But don’t become the same as them.

Because you know, how it felt, as a child.

So you should be changing your end.

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Turn, and be the one, your child needs,

Don’t grow and be like them.

Show your children, the way to love,

Stop this cycle of men hurting men.

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Because you have a child, show them love, 

Because you have love, show them peace, 

Because you have peace, show them the way, 

Because you’ve seen the way, the cycles in disarray.

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Cancel your plans, to carry on the hatred,

Cancel your plans, to carry on the hurt.

Cancel your plans, to carry on the pain.

Be kind, be loving and put your children first.

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Fromtheheart 

27th May 2021

Personality disorders…

They’re one of life’s mysteries. How we get these disorders, how best to treat them etc. In truth most doctors/ psychiatrists have different opinions on both of those things. This makes recovery even more difficult because medical professionals tell you one thing then another professional says the complete opposite, creating a fear of the unknown inside us.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (often now referred to as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, EUPD) when I was in my late teens. I was destructive (only to myself) constantly.

It really is an awful condition to live with, no matter how much therapy you’ve been through. I’ve spent years in different therapies, including- group therapy, about 4 separate times of individual one-to-one counselling. I’ve also had art therapy, colour light therapy, massage therapy, CBT and more.

Has it helped? Yes. Yes it absolutely has.

Am I cured? No. I still struggle daily with mental health issues. I’m am more prone to depression, I have insomnia (which helps no one) but I’m able to be a good parent and wife and that’s the main thing to me. Of course I’m not always perfect- no one is, but I’ve learned how to control some of my emotions and release them at a time to suit me. This helped a lot, and minimised the risk of upsetting other people as well as myself.

This poem is a piece of my life story, told by me (written a few years ago now though) and if it helps one person not feel alone or ‘mad’ anymore then I’ll be over the moon.

We need to support each other. We need to be kind.

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How it feels to be Borderline

Having this disorder 

Destroys my very soul 

Inside and outside 

It takes me as a whole.

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Understanding it is difficult 

Yes I really do understand 

But it just means that I am left here 

Wishing someone would hold my hand.

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I feel everything more deeply 

Words and feelings too 

I can’t explain the depth of this 

To someone else like you.

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I wish I wasn’t quite like this 

I wish I wasn’t me 

I wish I didn’t think like this 

I wish I just could flee.

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Flee from myself 

My inner torture and pain 

The inner voice that drives my mind

And makes me feel insane.

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Having this disorder 

Destroys me as a whole 

Inside and outside 

It takes my very soul.

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Fromtheheart

Written in 2018

Never give up on you…

There are many things I haven’t talked about over the years of having this blog. There are many things I want to talk about. I believe when the time feels right that’s when I speak. I

t takes a lot to speak up. I’ve spent a lot of my life being controlled. The last 10 years however I’ve changed that. I’ve stopped being controlled by anyone, and I’ve started living how I want to live.

But… anyone that’s been controlled will understand that however many years it went on for, however long ago it was, there are still times it haunts you. Times where you wish that this wasn’t your past. Times you wish you’d stood up for yourself.

I want to talk about this to help others, so if this resonates with you, please hear me out.

You are loved. You are worthy. You can decide what happens in your life. You can get yourself free. You can be happy.

I wish I was told those things. I wish I didn’t lose myself, but in loosing myself I also found myself again. Now… I’m happy, I’m healthy and I’m living a life as best as I can. If you need to reach out, please google for help, search your area for refuges, search your area for help. It is out there.

Don’t forget, in order to rise again we must sometimes hit the lowest point in our lives. When you rise again, you will realise just how strong you are.

Most of all, good luck.

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Regrets…

There are times I wish I’d done more, 

Times where I wish I’d spoken my mind.

There are times I wish I’d tried more, 

And worried less about being kind.

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There are times I’ve stood up for people, 

Who really didn’t deserve it at all. 

There are times I wish I hadn’t. 

But it won’t change it or stop the fall.

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There are times I’ve done more than asked,

Times I’ve put myself out, for nothing. 

There are times I look back and wish I knew 

That to you- I meant less than a win.

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There are times I look back, full of regret. 

But let’s face it- what does that do? 

It makes me bitter about all I’ve done. 

When I meant nothing to you.

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As I’ve matured I’ve seen your ways, 

I trust less, but I’m always kind. 

I will never be treated like that again, 

You will never again control my mind.

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There are times I look back at the loss of me, 

Times that I wish had never happened.

But each journey shapes us more and more, 

And now I’ve moved on and I am happy.

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Fromtheheart 

27th May 2021

I didn’t have a good mum….

The title of this piece says it all. “I didn’t have a good mum”. That’s it. It’s so simple to say but there is nothing simple about the reality of having a mother that cannot parent.

I never remember a time I felt loved. I never remember a time I felt ok in my own skin, in my own body, even in my own face. I started to hate myself inside and out from a very young age. An age that my children now are at. I’ve struggled for years to be the parent I want my children to have, but sometimes I won’t lie I wish I didn’t have any children so that I couldn’t hurt them. I haven’t deliberately ever hurt them, physically or emotionally of course, but I know that just the fact that I haven’t been shown how to parent will have made its Mark somehow on my children. How?! Maybe I’ll never know. Of course, there’s the other option that maybe they haven’t struggled having me as a mother, and that I’m just making things worse in my head by assuming I hurt people just by being me. Either way, it’s down to the parenting I endured and I am trying to fix that.

The only reason I’m the parent I am is because I have gone through years of therapy, years of pain and tears, years of wanting to give up because I didn’t think I could do it. Years of feelings like a failure for errors we all make. I’m hard on myself. I know that. So here’s a little insight into how I feel about my own mother, and how I hope and pray that my children will never feel about me.

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Talking to you

I’d like to chat with you again, 

I’ve got so much to say, 

I’d love to hear what makes you tick, 

And why you were that way.

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The words I’d speak, I’ve planned before

Yet I know I’ll never speak. 

Although I am your daughter, 

There’s nothing of me you keep.

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Ever since I can remember, 

Ever since I was young. 

I remember the hatred, 

And the anger that you flung.

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I always looked to you, 

For love and care- that’s all, 

But all that I got from you each time,

Was nothing but a brick wall.

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I may be your daughter, 

I may be your eldest child, 

But I felt that hate, you owned for me

You never looked at me and smiled.

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The only time you laughed, 

Was when you laughed at me. 

You created this, inside my head, 

You helped create my personality.

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For years I’ve been in therapy, 

To counter what you did. 

Some things will scar forever, 

How could you abuse your own kid?

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I’ve got children of my own now, 

Your parenting made me struggle, 

I want to be the best I can, 

But scars inside -I still juggle.

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I know you’ll never talk to me, 

I know I’ll never again call you Mum,

But, you took more, than just my life, 

You took, all I could have become.

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Fromtheheart 

21st May 2021

A message to my children…

This needs no introduction today, but if it’s ever found, this poem is for my children.

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One day in the future,

when I tell you about my life

I hope it’s because you’ve grown.

And missed out on every strife.

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I hope that you’re happy inside and out, 

I hope you smile more than you cry. 

Hunt for treasures buried round the world 

I hope you hear the whole truth before the lie.

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I wish for you- a life of peace, 

A life of joy and little pain. 

The mistakes you make, just help you learn 

To dance in all of life’s fresh rain.

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Oh, there’ll be times, you want to hide, 

And times, you wish you’d tried a little more, 

But through these times, look inside your heart, 

You’ll find so much more to love and adore.

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Share the happiness you find and create

But don’t hand it out to just anyone. 

Be careful who you love and trust, 

And always seek the joy and fun.

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I wish your life, will be how you want, 

I wish your journeys are what you plan. 

I wish you life be full of love, 

And you’ll share it when you take their hand.

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Be humble, patient, forgiving and kind, 

But never fall at anyone’s feet. 

In life I hope you learn this truth, 

That sometimes, we’re all incomplete.

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Hold your feelings in, always talk them out, 

Never scream, and never shout. 

I may not have taught you, all of this well, 

But I wish you happiness without a single doubt.

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I love you dearly, and as long as I’m alive, 

My love will be with you all the time. 

And when I’m gone, still talk to me, 

And in response, I’ll send a clear sign.

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I’ll be proud of you, because I know you’ll try, 

I’ll always see you little, with that twinkle in your eye, 

I know that you are growing, but it doesn’t change my love, 

Be smart, be brave, be social, and always share your love. ♥️

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Fromtheheart 

15th May 2021

Healing…

Healing…It’s a word that stirs up emotions for probably 95% of us. 

There’s healing from physical / medical issues you’ve experienced.

Healing from emotional trauma that’s happened either to you or with you.

There’s also complete body and soul healing- it may not be from something specific, and/or most likely to be a great number of things you’ve experienced in your life before. You may have just reached a point in your life where you stop for a little while and reflect on the experiences that have helped create the wonderful person you are now. And you are wonderful. You are alive, breathing air and living your life as best as you can. We all are. 

Healing can also be really effective from strangers. You may have worried your whole life that you have a wonky nose or it’s not the shape you want, one day someone comes into contact with you and expresses their love for that element of you that you’ve taught yourself to despise. All of a sudden you rethink your original thoughts that have been plaguing you for years, you look in a mirror differently to how you’ve ever looked before and you start to see the beauty that firstly, shines from within and secondly, shines from the outer you.

Healing

Healing isn’t just a word 

tossed about for fun, 

It’s a show of strength, a show of love 

And of what you have become.

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It’s a realisation from deep within,

You realise you’re not always right, 

And maybe your loved one 

Saw right through to that light.

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It’s healing from pain, 

both inside the heart and out 

It’s healing for all of us, 

Even if we’re in doubt.

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Healing has happened to you 

without you even knowing 

It’s built you up stronger 

It’s helped you keep growing.

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Healing doesn’t always cure 

But that doesn’t mean it’s pointless 

The way you’ve healed has made you -you, 

And there’s a beauty there- regardless.

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Healing is progressive

and takes you through life.

And when healing happens,

You feel the power, in it’s paradise.

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So go free now, and share the love, 

Share kindness and the healing will arrive. 

Healings not the same for all of us, 

Your healing is there, all the time you’re alive.

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Fromtheheart 

12th May 2021

Facing my operation date…

I’m not always super open with things that go on in my life, at least not the finer details anyway, but thinking about it, I believe that being open with this part of my life, could help more people than I realise. Even if it helps one person then it’s a good thing.

So, I’m having an operation this week.

It should be just a day case. Then up to 8 weeks recovery. As like most people facing operations my mind sometimes thinks over the day itself and I start to worry about the bigger things and the smaller, more insignificant things.

I’ve realised while I’ve been worrying that although it’s a completely natural feeling I need to think more rationally.

Yes, operations come with risks.

Yes, there’s a chance it might even not work.

But… is worrying going to change that? I’ve decided not. So, instead I’ve written down any worries and questions so that I can ask when I get there and decided to look forward to recovering.

I’ve been waiting a long time for this operation. I’ve probably needed it for over 10 years, but I’ve been on the waiting list for about 5 years. What with the pandemic it’s pushed it all further back so waiting extra time is something that most of us are doing right now.

I’m just grateful it’s my turn. And I know I need to be grateful for that.

So if you have an operation coming up too, or any medical procedure I hope this is helpful and relatable, and …Good luck.

The countdown

I’m counting down the days 

Now that fear is setting in. 

An operation on the horizon,

And then a new life will begin.

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It’s an operation I’ve been waiting for 

Patiently for many years 

Now it’s edging closer 

I’m getting ready to face the fears.

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The worries I have, the hopes it’ll work, 

The thoughts racing through my mind. 

I put my future in the surgeons hands 

And hope and pray for a new life.

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Where there’s no more pain from there, 

Where I can join in with much more. 

I’m hoping this operation 

Will start opening many doors.

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So, I will be brave and get this done, 

Sign away the struggles I’ve faced. 

When this is over and recovery is done, 

A new life I will embrace.

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Where my family worry that little bit less, 

Where I don’t have to sit on the side lines. 

I’m hoping a new life will start for me. 

And the past stays securely behind.

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The surgeons they do this everyday, 

And although I struggle with trust, 

This is a day I need to face those fears 

And trust the surgeons is a huge must.

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Fromtheheart 

10th May 2021

Anniversaries….

If you say anniversary, most people think of weddings. But there are other anniversaries that come along with huge emotion. Those are the dates that we lost a loved one or the dates something awful happened to us.

Sometimes I think that anniversaries for weddings and anniversaries for deaths should have separate names, but then if you think about it, love and grief go side by side. If you’ve never loved you’ll never grieve.

They’re all days full of huge emotion. Days we like to be a certain way. Days we allow ourselves to step out of our day to day lives, stop for a minute, breathe and feel the emotions that come with anniversaries.

Very recently I’ve experienced an anniversary of the death of a loved one. I’d like to share how I felt about the day and maybe you can find something inside the poem that you can relate to as well.

Take care of yourselves… and each other.

Three years ago today

It’s been three years now, 

it’s hard to believe –

you’ve not been here with us 

Your face- we’ve not seen.

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It’s been tough at times,

it’s not been easy, 

It feels like forever 

Since you breathed so free.

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But in each little corner, 

Are signs from you, 

That even your spirit 

Still carries us through.

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The feathers from Heaven, 

The robins that come close, 

The love we feel inside us 

When we talk of you the most.

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The closeness you’re creating 

In our family, 

Is one we can never thank you for, 

Because it’s set us free.

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Free- to believe, you’re always here, 

And always looking down with pleasure 

The joy you send us, with the memories 

Of the days full of laughter we all treasure.

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I didn’t know you for long enough, 

But I know I didn’t miss out,

For now are the days you’re here with us, 

It’s a pleasure to know you’re about.

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Keep shining down on your loved ones,

Keep sending all the laughs, 

I know it’s you and I thank you,

From the bottom of my heart.

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3 years it’s been without you now,

But it could’ve been days or decades, 

If anyone met you just for a minute 

They’d have a joy in every place.

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Fromtheheart

I know….

I know… followed by so many others words are the thoughts that intrude in my head a lot. I know I’m not good enough, I know I’m not skinny enough, I know I’m not happy enough. I have this day in and day out.

If you’ve been following my blog you’ll already know that I have mental health conditions, one of which being BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). It’s this that stops us making any progress at certain times in our lives. It’s BPD that makes us always fear abandonment.. again. We never feel good enough.

Just when I thought I was doing alright and had been generally happier the last few days at least, I see something and my whole world is flipped over and I instantly stop talking. I have to process it all before I can say anything. Sometimes, I never do process it, so, it stays in my head and bothers me for days, weeks, months and even years afterwards. It’s that day right now for me.

One thing I am grateful for (I’m trying to be positive too!) is my ability to write. To write in this blog (however secretive I am about my identity), and to write poetry in general. Both of these things help me, more than I could ever explain.

So, on that note, these are this afternoons feelings! Take a deep breath!!

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

I know…

I know that I’m not what I used to be 

I’ve put weight on all parts of my body 

I know that that probably makes you quite sick, 

To see me – nope, you’d rather anybody.

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I know that I don’t turn you on like before 

I know you’d rather please yourself. 

I look so disgusting that even I don’t look 

I understand when I’m in bed by myself.

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I know there are lots of fit women out there, 

And once upon a time maybe I was one. 

Although back then I still thought I was really fat,

If only I knew how just what was to come.

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I know how you feel, I see it in your eyes, 

The passions gone out like a light, 

That’s why I never let you see me naked, 

I’ll tell you this, it’s an ugly sight.

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I’m sorry I’ve got myself into this state, 

I’m sorry I’m not what I once was, 

I’m sorry for not being the wife that you crave, 

All the reasons just start with because…

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Because I don’t have any self esteem, 

Because I’ve never taken care of myself 

Because I’ve let myself go all over. 

But I’m left hurting you instead.

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I know that I’m not who you want me to be, 

I’m sure when you see me I repulse you. 

I try to keep my fat out of sight for you, 

But it’s never going to happen it’s true.

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I wish some days you’d leave me, 

And find a life better than this 

You deserve so much more than a wife like me

So for that I’ll sit and make a wish….

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A wish for you to be happy one day, 

For you to enjoy the life you choose,

For you to be free from watching me,

Blow up just like a balloon!

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27th April 2021

Fromtheheart

Can we change the world…

It’s a big question. It’s an even bigger response. But one person or even one group cannot change the world alone.

But…. one person can start the change we all need. That friendly smile that no one expects… it’s spreads. The warm glow felt by that person is sent straight onto the next.

So if you look at the world in dismay sometimes, don’t ever think you can’t start the change. You absolutely can, and every person that’s responsible for their own actions can do the same too.

Good luck changing your world ♥️

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Changing the world

I haven’t written for a while, 

The time and place must be right

But maybe a time like now…

Is ready to read what I write.

.

Does it matter if I share with no one? 

Does it matter if all the world sees? 

Is it helpful if I share my pain with you? 

Is it helpful for you to agree?

.

I haven’t written for a while, 

And the reason is clear as day. 

Sometimes I can’t change the world,

With the words I have to say.

.

I wish I could feed- all the hungry, 

I wish I could heal- the broken ones, 

I wish I could teach- all the children 

I wish, more than, I can ever, get done.

.

Sometimes writing, just isn’t enough, 

Sometimes, no matter what I say, 

It won’t even change the world, for a minute, 

But it may heal some wounds in your day.

.

So I’ll carry on writing, when I feel it, 

As no one can fix everything, 

But if all of us, each, help eachother, 

We’ll spread love like in an eternal ring.

.

Go now, and spread your smiles, 

Go cheer the ones you see, 

And one day the world’ll start changing, 

And it could’ve all started, with just, you and me.

.

24th April 2021 

Fromtheheart

There are days filled with darkness and light ahead….

Never feel that the darkness inside you is too much. Because even the smallest of lights will brighten the darkness. You only need a tiny bit of hope and that darkness starts lifting.

I’ve spent my life suffering with deep depression, anxiety and a personality disorder. It’s sometimes felt like darkness is covering only entire soul, but that saying “All the darkness in the world, cannot put out the light you hold” is deeper and more true than you’ll ever realise.

So, if you’re in that dark place, look for the smallest light, close your eyes and find the light. That’s what you focus on, and slowly that light will get brighter and the darkness will dim. Why? Because light can take over from darkness, but darkness will never take over light completely because there will always be a light. Even if you can’t see it, someone will be holding it for you. Trust the process… trust yourself.

There are days….

There are days I feel so empty

Days I feel so numb 

There are days I cry myself to sleep 

Wondering what I’ve done.

.

There are days I feel so low inside

Days where I don’t know what to do, 

There are days when darkness covers me

And I just wish I could break through.

.

There are days when mental and physical pain, 

Enter and stick to my soul,

There are days I wish I could reach out, 

And make my own world whole.

.

There are days depressions eats me up, 

Days where I can’t even move. 

Then there’s days where it seems a memory 

Yet memories are what I lose.

.

There are days where the light is visible, 

And I focus on what I’m here for. 

There are days I see my loved ones faces, 

Then I realise that my life’s worth more.

.

On those darks days look for the light ahead.

On those days reach out for me. 

All the darkness can never smother a light, 

Just hold on and you will see.

.

Fromtheheart 

04/04/2021

Together, we stand …

This is going to be a tough one to write. It’s been a while now since the world stood up for the right for women everywhere to always feel safe. Since the day beautiful Sarah Everard was taken and murdered whilst walking home.

This brings up a lot of personal issues for me, and I guess that’s why I’ve taken a while to process it all and then to write about it, but after watching something else tonight I just felt it was my time to have my say.

I haven’t ever publicly said (or written online) what’s happened to me, and now isn’t the right time for that, but it is the right time to stand with all the other women and men fighting for the right to feel safe.

97% of women experience unwanted attention or assault in some form or another throughout their lives. 97% is a figure I never want to hear related to this again. So, I will do all I can to support my loved ones to speak out and to teach them the way to treat each other. To teach them that ‘No’ means no, whoever says it and whenever it’s said.

‘No’ means a whole heap of things, like, ‘I’m not comfortable’, ‘I’m feeling unsafe’, ‘I don’t want this’, ‘stop!’

It NEVER means carry on.

.

There’s always one that tips the boat,

That makes us stop and think. 

The murder of Sarah Everard 

Lays on women as they link.

.

The woman, where women- everywhere 

Thought this is where it stops. 

The woman for who we couldn’t save 

But that’s changing the world a lot.

.

I bet you never thought of yourself 

As a world changing, law changing female.

Yet here we are having lost you

Fighting for our rights to not derail.

.

I’m sorry it had to be after your death, 

I’m sorry we couldn’t save you. 

But I feel it deep within my soul, 

You’ve changed the lies for truth.

.

We’ll stand for you, we’ll make you proud,

We’ll do what we should’ve done for you.

We’ll bring the laws for the safety of women 

To stand in your name- so true.

.

For all of us who’ve suffered abuse, 

For all of us who’ve been raped. 

For all those already lost to Heaven, 

For all of us who’ve ever felt unsafe.

.

We stand with you, and for you. 

And in your name we’ll change. 

Forever together, for Sarah. 

Forever together, they’ll pay.

.

Fromtheheart 

30/03/2021

Not the usual eating disorder….

I’ve suffered with eating disorders for as long as I can remember. It’s part of the way I self harm. It’s not often seen as self harm, but most people with eating disorders, this is 100% about harming our bodies.

As a teenager I first suffered the beginning stages of Anorexia Nervosa, some months into this I developed Bulimia Nervosa and that then became the most prominent eating disorder. That lasted for years, purely down to the fact that I could hide the illness more easily than I could Anorexia. When you stop eating it’s difficult to hide, if you are around a lot of people, it’s easy for them to pick up on this. But, when you eat with the family like ‘normal’ it’s more difficult to spot so you can carry on your eating disorder alone.

Now I’m a lot older, and have a family of my own, I find both Anorexia and Bulimia would be picked up quickly by my family. When something traumatic happened Binge Eating Disorder started almost immediately and I am able to hide a lot of it from my family but the huge weight gain is difficult to handle.

For others suffering and looking for help please see this https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/support-services/helplines this will open in a new tab for you.

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Eating Disorder

An eating disorder 

But not losing weight 

Therefore no one notices 

The harming that you state.

.

An eating disorder, 

But no one really sees

The pain inside our minds 

When we only live to feed.

.

An eating disorder, 

But not one that’s well known.

Does that mean it matters any less? 

It’s hard when it’s never shown.

.

An eating disorder, 

Yes, I’ve had them all my life. 

From anorexia and bulimia 

And now binge eating causes strife.

.

There’s help out there for most of these 

But no one can help me

I’ve asked, and begged and pleaded, 

To set my binge eating disorder free.

.

An eating disorder, 

Please don’t judge me on this, 

When I open up to you, 

And explain this abyss.

.

My eating disorder…

Yes I’ll own it now. 

I just wish I could find help for this 

To show me the why and how.

.

I want recovery to be an option

Not just a far off dream. 

One day I want this to be over. 

And then my mind set free.

.

Fromtheheart 

28th March 2021

Mother…

I had a mother when I was born but my life wasn’t what I expected. Life is full of these moments and how we cope with them and how we manage is exactly how we learn and grow.

I needed parents but I didn’t have any, for most of my childhood I was alone. If I wasn’t alone then I was lonely and many of you will understand the pain that caused.

I’ve tried to highlight in this poem below just how it felt to go through my life without my mother present. Even if they aren’t dead we have to grieve the fact they aren’t there.

Mother

I had a mother,

when I was born, 

They told me she loved me 

They watched her adore.

.

Maybe she was far too young, 

Or just didn’t want to be…. 

tied down with kids and the mum life, 

Or was it because of me?

.

I had that mother 

for a few years,

Slowly but surely 

She disappeared.

.

She cut me out her life one random day,

She promised to call and write,

Left me with her mother for good, 

That’s when I learned fight or flight.

.

Fight or flight didn’t work for me

The shock did wear off though,

I tried to enjoy the life I had, 

But the pain got too deep not to show.

.

I started hurting my body all I could, 

I’d self harm and starve myself. 

I’d throw up when I was in the shower, 

I’d do anything to ruin my health.

.

By 12 I wanted to die so much, 

To take the pain I attempted suicide. 

I was close to the edge of the world we know, 

But something kept right by my side.

.

In the coming years I was very sick, 

My mother still no where to be seen, 

I didn’t want my life without her there 

So I’d attempt death every chance I’d see.

.

I had a mother when I was born, 

But for reasons way over my mind

I was meant to walk this earth alone

And I was meant to be alive.

.

Being parent less gave me a starting point 

On which to learn and grow

I found Inner strength and built on that

And now I’ve a family of my own.

.

Without my mother it was hard 

There were days I’d cry out for her, 

Seeing mothers and daughters close as could be 

Split my heart right open, right there.

.

There is a way forward, it’s not an easy path.

There’s only one rule for me

Grow and learn from your past 

And don’t pass the pain down your family tree.

.

I’ve done my best, 

At times it was tough, 

I am not perfect 

But I am enough.

.

Do your best, 

It might sometimes be tough, 

You aren’t perfect 

But you are enough.

.

Fromtheheart 

26/03/2021

It’s been so long that we’ve been apart….

Whatever your reason for not being in touch with loved ones as you want to, it feels just as heartbreaking. Whether you are being stopped from seeing someone or whether it’s in one of your best interests not to have contact it’s tough on both sides for many different reasons.

COVID-19 has put most of us in this position with loved ones that we don’t live with and although I wrote this poem before Covid even existed doesn’t mean that it’s not relevant.

In this country (UK) we are getting ready to open the country back up after going through our third lockdown. Hearing on the news that countries close to us are going back into lockdown, is frightening and gives a huge sense of the unknown to us all.

I hope this poem helps others to understand how humans cope and what most of us feel whilst missing or being separated from someone we love.

.

I have a big day ahead 

Not sure how it’ll go

But with all of my heart 

I want it to flow.

.

I hope it goes well 

It means the world to me 

And I hope that it’s all 

That you hope it to be.

.

I’ll do my best now,

To show all my love.

There’s angels around us,

They’re watching from above.

.

So, I have this big day ahead

And with all of my heart 

I can’t wait to see you 

It’s so long, we’ve been apart.

.

I love you with all 

With all of my soul and heart

I want you to know 

That this is now our new start.

.

I have a big day ahead 

Not sure how it’ll be

But this day will forever stay

In my memory.

.

Fromtheheart

Memories of an angel…

Memories.

They are so much more precious than you’d ever realise.

One of the sad parts to life, is that although we have our memories stored as best as we can, we don’t quite realise how important and special they are until it’s only the memories that we are left with.

Until we can’t make any more with that loved one.

Until memories are all we’ll ever have.

Sometimes when people die, families and friends of the loved one, get caught up in fights for property or finances from the deceased. They feel this intense need to be close to their loved ones things, be it property or money.

The sad thing with this is, that until you’re in the position where you lose what you thought would always be passed onto you you forget that it’s the memories that are the important thing. If you’re in the position where the fight for your loved ones property and money becomes so legal, cruel and merciless, thats when you realise that none of that is important really. If you loved that person and shared beautiful memories together then trust me, being left with only memories is one of the most beautiful things in this world.

I lost a very dear and close family member a while ago now. There were court cases started by others and solicitors letters flying around from one family member to another. It was meant to be me that got most of what was left when my loved one died, but it was fought and the others won. Maybe if it was years later I’d have had to energy to fight harder, but at the time my grief was immense and I had to stop fighting.

In the end, even though I didn’t even get to keep the photos of me and them, I realised that I… I am left with the most beautiful memories of fun, laughter, joy and emotion filled days, and that actually no matter what, memories are the most precious thing and no one can ever take those from you.

If this ever happens to you. Be gracious. And remember… there’s nothing fulfilling in fighting for someone else’s belongings and money, however much you feel it should be yours. If you lose what you thought should and would be yours, remember this, the ‘new owners’ of these things will never be as happy with the money and property as you are with the memories.

Oh, and believe me, it took me a while to learn this and it was an absolutely heartbreaking time, but this is why I’m sharing.

When we die we take NOTHING with us. No house, no money, no special gifts we’ve been given, no photos, nothing. This should be enough to remind you, that if we can leave this world, with physically exactly what we came into it with .. a body… then the things physically left behind are not as important as we first think or even like to believe. When we do finally leave this world however, we emotionally take with us, lessons we’ve learned, love we’ve felt and given, and memories we’ve made. Why? Because no one can ever take those and because that’s what makes you, you and because memories become stitched into our souls.

Be proud to carry your good memories.

Be grateful you got to live long enough to experience these things with the people you did.

.

Memories

Memories with you

Fill my very being, 

For all the days we shared

From the very beginning.

.

Memories we shared 

No one can ever take.

The days we went walking, 

Even days that weren’t that great.

.

Memories that I hold, 

Will be kept forever.

Shared with my children, 

Shared all together.

.

Memories we have together, 

From the day that I was born. 

Fill my soul with gratefulness 

Til the day you left at dawn.

.

Memories can’t be made now,

Now you’re forever sleeping, 

But nothing stops the love I have 

And the memories I’m keeping.

.

Sleep well, sweet soul. Sleep well.

Go rest with all the angels.

Until we meet again, one day,

Our memories will rest on these pages.

.

Fromtheheart 

06/03/2021

Borderline Personality Disorder- BPD

It’s something I’ve had all my life, and struggled with so much. But now I feel like it’s time to start helping to spread awareness of this lifelong condition.

For most people with BPD, they’ve experienced childhood trauma and often that replays into adulthood, because we have been conditioned to believe that we are not worthy of anything good, whether that be physical items or emotional happiness.

It takes time, therapy, more time, people believing in you, more therapy and often medication just to get us to a point where we can do the basic tasks to get through life, anything else takes even longer.

Most of us have or still do self harm and most of us have already attempted to take our lives, often numerous times.

Please note: DO NOT self diagnose. If you think this could be you, and you relate, speak to a professional as soon as you can.

Borderline

Borderline what? 

Borderline who? 

What are you on the border of? 

Between the lies and truth?

.

I’ve had this condition all my life 

Not understanding it all so well, 

It’s a condition that affects all I do,

It’s hard for me to tell.

.

There’s an embarrassment I feel, 

In the fact my mind works differently 

It’s nothing to be ashamed of 

But for me I feel things shockingly.

.

A sad day for you and others 

Would be multiplied for me, 

Embarrassment for you 

Would be mortifying to me.

.

I’m also scared to lose the ones I love, 

So my circle stays pretty small. 

I grieve for people that leave my life, 

It’s the childhood trauma, it makes me fall.

.

It’s hard to explain just how my mind works 

But bear with me, I’m trying hard 

Explaining how I live each day 

With the pain of all my scars.

.

Some days are good, and I smile a lot 

But it never really lasts for long. 

I punish myself for enjoying my life 

I repeat over that “I don’t belong”.

.

I rely on those close to me, 

I so wish I didn’t have to. 

But accepting my lifestyle

Is half of the battle.

.

Mental illness is real, 

and so constantly painful too, 

When we smile you can often see 

The pain we’ve been through.

.

We all try our best, 

Protecting those we love, 

We’re often found crying 

Wishing death from above.

.

It’s not due to you,

 or anything you do, 

It’s simply the borderline 

Of what’s hell and what’s true.

.

So, please try not to judge, 

Accept us the best you can.

We can see through you, 

And know when you’ve got plans.

.

We’re often in relationships 

Where we’re controlled all day long, 

We don’t believe we’re worthy 

Of anything to keep us strong.

.

It’s a lifelong condition, 

Please be kind to us, 

Show us you accept us, 

And you’ll gain our trust.

.

Fromtheheart 

5th March 2021

Thank you for reading.